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Thursday, June 20, 2013

What do you Value?

The following list of values were taken partially from psychologist, Abraham Maslow's[1] study of persons who led psychologically healthy lives, partly from a list of values from The Leadership Dimension, and from couples who added to the list in ReCreating Marriage.  [2]
Achievement:  To accomplish something of importance, to have and strive for high standards, to undertake difficult projects such as business development, scientific research or artistic creation;  to contribute something valuable to the community such as an improved health or educational system.
Adventure:  To seek activities that contain some unpredictability and risk in work or physical activities such as traveling off the beaten path, meeting people who are unusual for you or engaging in activities you have never tried;  extending your experience in new activities, places, and conditions.
Beauty:  To seek experiences which elicit a perception of vitality, simplicity, richness, wholeness, perfection, and uniqueness;  to go to places where beauty is commonly found, such as in nature, museums, concerts, architecture, poetry, literature, and other creative expressions;  to create beauty in your personal life and surroundings.
Competition:  To enjoy adversarial situations in which you strive to win physically, intellectually, or verbally;  to enjoy being a spectator or participant in work or games where strategy or debate defeat other players such as trial law, scientific argument, business deals, board games, sports activities or political campaigns.
Completion:  To set goals and single-mindedly work on tasks until they are completed;  to conquer frustration, and avoid distraction and interruption until the experience is finished and nothing is missing.
Cooperation:  To value participating with mutual effort in work, marriage, and family;  to create team spirit by developing common goals, make group plans to accomplish those goals, and negotiate differences.
Creativity:  To create something new through expression of art, science or ideas;  to live in a way that reflects your unique style and capabilities such as expressive dress, home decorating or cooking;  to deeply appreciate creativity in others by collecting art, listening to music or reading creative works.
Deference:  To hold in high esteem and seek the advice of elder family members, persons in higher status or authority at work, civic or religious leaders;  to follow traditions of your family or community.
Economic Security:  To avoid financial risk by having predictable ways of making and keeping money;  to have money for emergencies such as illness or loss of work;  to set aside money in a safe place for your future.
Education:  To enhance your knowledge and wisdom by learning;  to read for information, talk with knowledgeable people, take classes or attend seminars;  to be educated through obtaining college degrees or training.
Effortlessness:  To live without strain, striving, or difficulty;  to live in flow and harmony with your surroundings;  to seek experiences where your natural inclinations are in sync with your environment.
Family:  To make time with your spouse, children, parents, siblings, and extended family a priority by participating in family activities, traditions, and celebrations;  to arrange care for family members in need;  to take pride in family history, symbols, and accomplishments.
Freedom:  To make your own decisions about what you will do or say;  to enjoy jobs or relationships which will support your doing what you feel like doing, such as self-employment or being the boss;  to express yourself without concern about other people's opinions.
Friendship:  To create close relationships with people by spending time in conversation and activities which build a bond;  to share life experiences and deeper feelings with others;  to help friends when they are in need.
Health:  To develop habits which will promote physical and mental well-being such as a healthy diet, exercise, and management of stress;  to gain knowledge about health through reading, conversations, and education, to avoid hazardous activities such as smoking or abuse of drugs or alcohol;  to seek medical assistance when appropriate.
Helpfulness:  To meet the needs of other people, your children or spouse;  to assist others when they have problems;  to help the less fortunate; to give aid to the poor, sick or hurt.
Integrity:  To have strong principles and try to live by them;  to be trusted to keep your word;  to do what you think is right even if you are uncomfortable doing it;  to tell the truth.
Insight:  To seek to understand people's feelings, thoughts, and behavior through observation, empathy, and knowledge;  to read and educate yourself about human behavior;  to realize the motives behind behavior;  to reflect on yourself and gain self-awareness through the feedback of others, retreats or workshops.
Justice:  To seek decisions, policies, and social structures that are fair for everyone;  to be deeply moved by violations to yourself and others;  to participate in community or legislative activities which promote justice.
Order:  To regulate your life through organized planning of time and things;  to predict and control your daily routines;  to have a neat, uncluttered work and living space;  to enjoy working with or organizing people in systems which flow efficiently and smoothly.
Performance:  To be center of attention by entertaining others with humor or stories, dance, acrobatics, music, speeches, or other theatrical abilities;  to enjoy being on stage or in front of family or friends.
Playfulness:  To enjoy life, amusement, humor, exuberance, and fun;  to create games and play them for fun more than for winning;  to enjoy telling jokes or other kinds of humor;  to seek out experiences and people for fun.
Pleasure:  To seek the gratifying and sensuous aspects of life;  to spend time and money on activities that create relaxation, diversion, and freedom from the usual stress and tension;  to engage in work that is enjoyable for its own sake.
Power:  To influence your family, work, or society by direct authority and control;  to make family decisions yourself and be respected for them;  to be a leader or supervisor;  to make decisions that make things happen such as owning or running a company or organization.
Responsibility:  To be accountable for success or failure of an effort;  to have a strong sense of commitment to do one's duty;  to develop plans to accomplish goals;  to have other people depend on you for their welfare.
Self-expression:  To express yourself spontaneously;  to seek places and relationships where self-expression is supported;  to seek experiences of full, vivid, and selfless concentration;  to live with the passion of intense experiences.
Self-sufficiency:  To not need anything beyond what you can create yourself;  to seek those places where you can be self-contained;  to develop your identity to diminish dependency on responses from other people.
Sexuality:  To have sexual attraction be a focus of attention;  to spend time and effort developing a vigorous and fulfilling sexual relationship with your partner;  to behave and dress in a way that appeals to the opposite sex;  to enjoy sexual scenes in movies or books.
Simplicity:  To pursue the essential nature of life, what is clear and distinct,  only that which is necessary;  to avoid clutter in time spent and in personal living space.
Spirituality:  To participate in prayer or meditation in which you feel in contact with God, the Divine, or wholeness of the universe;  to belong to a congregation of believers of your religion;  to live your life following religious beliefs;  to seek harmony and happiness by reflecting on the deeper meaning of life.
Support:  To give or receive appreciation, empathy, and encouragement;  to be able to depend on others for affection, kindness, and assistance;  to avoid criticism or harsh, negative emotional contact. 
Truth:  Searching to understand how things really are;  to say openly what is true for you;  to honor other people's sharing of their perspectives;  to take from various points of view and transcend the contradictions.
Wealth:  To have more money than you need for security and necessities;  to enjoy ownership and control of a lot of money;  to gain skill in managing and accumulating money;  to have a lifestyle containing expensive homes, automobiles, entertainment, clothes, and travel.



Exercise:   Select your seven most desirable values.  Select your seven least desirable values.  Try to be truthful.  Do not mark the values you think you should have. 




[1]Abraham H. Maslow,  The Farther Reaches of Human Nature (New York:  The Viking Press, 1971).
[2]The Leadership Dimension, Inc.  Idyllwild, California, 1990.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

To Be A Father
(6/16/2013)

To be a man does not a father make.  
To be a father calls forth much:
Supportive compassion;
Defining and modeling standards of behavior;
Authenticity; 
Vulnerability; 
Emotional intelligence;
Constancy;
Being a source of security.
And, being a father
Calls for a special relationship with the child’s mother:
One that demonstrates successful decision-making;
One that models full and respectful self expression.

Happy Fathers Day, young fathers all y’all!

Your ‘Big Daddy-Dog’ down South!

Nathan J. Bender
To Nate, Father of My Children
(6/16/2013)

Your children came by different means,
Like different types of transportation.
You invited one into your life,
A brand new one with your imprint.
You accepted two other children as a package
Brought by marriage.
To each child you have given your heart and soul,
To each according to the needs presented.

Your children have taken your spirit 
And woven a cloak to fit their own shape,
Different from your own.
Your gift is the freedom of self-creation.
You have been awed by your children’s accomplishments,
Saddened by their losses,
And delighted by their presence.

Your children have given you their children
To nurture, humor, teach, 
And impress with muscles.
You admire your grandchildren’s exceptionalism,
Each with amazing facets of personality.
They will grow up in the protection of your shadow.

You are passing by another Father’s Day.
May you flow with joy from the families you helped create.

I love you,

Sandra