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Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Growing Into a Diverse World


5/22/2014
by Nate Bender

Since graduating high school, I have lived in two other countries, and in nine different states.  These moves required, more than 30 changes of address.  In the course of this 50+ year span I have experienced a wide variety of diversity involving races, ethnic groups, religious groups, cultures and life-styles.  The range of diversity included Jews, Buddhists, Hindus and Hare Krisnas, Muslims, Catholics, African Americans, Chinese, Thai, Malaysian, Japanese, Hispanics, Koreans and other European country nationalities.  This story aims to capture samplings of my growing into a more diverse world, a world holding new, and at times, challenging adaptations.  I expect the reader will be able to experience the richness held in these notations!

The first eighteen years of my life in rural Iowa, from 1943 to 1961, were pretty much vanilla flavored in that most of the surrounding citizenry were Anglo-Saxon-protestants.  There existed one example of diversity, that being a nearby colony of Amish people complete with their horse and buggy transportation and hook-and-eye clothing.  People of color did have a sparing presence in nearby towns, but were more prominent in the larger cities like Waterloo, Cedar Rapids and Des Moines.  Segregation was nowhere to be noted, as schools were integrated and work opportunities abounded in the industrial companies like John Deer. Slavery did not have a notable history in Iowa as it did in the South.

Religious separation was more the case, where even different sects of the same denomination could create divisions.  The primary discrimination I felt in my family and church was directed toward Catholics.  After all, Martin Luther did roil up against the Catholic Church some centuries prior!  One could encounter at least one African-American family in near-by towns, and the near-by college had samplings of a more diverse population, which didn’t seem to draw anyone’s undue attention. 

I do not recall ever hearing derogatory references to people of color, and never heard the N-word spouted.  During my junior and senior years of high school, our baseball team played games in Waterloo against teams having a goodly number of black players on their rosters.  I remember being enamored by the contrast in racial mix, and the perceived superiority of certain black players’ physical prowess.  In some fashion, I was able to neutralize any advantages with my blazing fastball and sharp breaking curve!

When I started college in 1961 new opportunities to experience a more diverse sampling of people and culture presented itself.  First off, several of my fellow football team members were black, hailing from New Jersey, Kentucky and Chicago.  In setting up my living quarters I met my first roommates, Claude Williams and Joe Potter, racially black from Indianapolis.  I have fond memories of the laughter and bantering that evolved  with Claude and Joe during the course of my first year of college.  A brotherhood was formed based on our mutual ability to connect at a human level.

A few years later, Claude and I reconnected in Los Angeles and have endearing ties to this day, which includes his family and friends.  Because I had no family in California they became my extended family and provided important  support, including lodging for many years.  One of the by-products of my relationship with Claude was his bestowing upon me a nickname….my new name became Odie, derived from a cereal box caricature Big Otis (Odie rang clearer than Otis!).  Among his friends and family Claude’s label for me has stuck for more than 50 years!

Looking back, my first two years of college held more important ties with black students and athletes than with anyone else. Claude, Joe, Purvis, Bob and a few others I forget, came from distant States other than Iowa; they offered expanded views of life outside my own.  In reflection, part of me was rejecting pieces of my heritage and seeking more enriched ways of living, making it natural to be curious and understanding of differences.  

Throughout my remaining college years in Los Angeles black students and teammates became my roommates and closest friends.  The common denominator might have had more to do with socio-economics than racial or cultural differences….we shared resource limitations!  Heck we were all poor, especially in contrast with most of the other students!  During one Thanksgiving break when most of the students went home to their families, I was invited by several black teammates to go with them to an inner-city home in the Watts area for a meal.  It was there I had my first introduction to soul food complete with chitterlings, pig knuckles and feet, black-eyed-peas, and collard greens.  The hosts were originally from Georgia and had the recipes down pat!  They got a big chuckle out of my willingness to eat and even enjoy chitterlings!

Tandy Homes, Gene Lowe, Bill Satterfield, Roland Betts stand out as close friends and teammates, all of whom represented a higher level of emotional connection than any of my other friends.  Playing pickup basketball games in the Los Angeles area during the off-season I was often the lone white person or one of a few.  The competition injected a special edge in strengthening my self-confidence during the regular basketball season. 

Upon graduation from college my work as a probation officer at Central Juvenile Hall provided yet another introduction to diversity.  At least half of the 700 or so ‘inmates’ were composed of Hispanic and Black adolesencts as were the staffing personnel.  In addition, I had my first introduction to the ways of youth gangs, particularly among the Chicano boys.  I had to quickly learn counter measures in quelling inter gang rivalries and the subtle cues attached to their modus operandi.  My training and development as a probation officer was greatly influenced by supervisors, most of whom were men and women of color.  My two-year stint offered a variety of exposures to challenge my skills in relating to young boys of varied backgrounds whose anti-social ways required my learning new leadership tactics.

Of special note was the role and influence Mr. Cabell, head of the Probation Department had on me.  While his presence was far removed from my day-to-day work, I held our contacts as special encounters as his presence and messages were inspiring.  He represented the type of man I would follow almost anywhere.  He was also a man of color.  One other probation department supervisor played an important role.  Bob Garcia and I formed an off-duty relationship which exposed me to East Los Angeles and a dominant Hispanic culture.  I ate my first helping of menudo there!  We also journeyed together to Baha and out-of-the-way places there, where I learned that the young girls were enamored by my presence!

When I was employed as an army company commander in Germany my ability to relate, motivate and lead a variety of men who often felt disenfranchised earned me special acclaim.  In particular, I was able to connect with black soldiers in a way that earned their respect.  Out of this two year junket my professional psychology career emerged.

So what are the take way themes contained in my having encountered and embraced diversity?  I learned that my vanilla flavored background is a minority flavor in a world dominated by chocolate and neapolitan flavors.  These differences span a myriad of qualities and characteristics. My life has been enriched and expanded by the many experiences.  And, I learned the common denominator in bridging these many differences involves person to person contact and sharing without judging.  Polarization becomes less of a result.  In conclusion, I seek to live by Einstein’s quote:


Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.” 
― Albert Einstein

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Game Changer #2


Game Changer #2
By Nate Bender
5/8/2014

On the heels of my 1st game changer short story, this story seeks to capture life-changing influences of a second, though not necessarily second-place, person whose presence became instrumental in forming changes of direction in my life.  Sandra Gray Bender, my wife of more than 28 years now, is the featured person. 

I met Sandra via a personal ad she posted in the Cleveland Ohio Magazine. We were both single parents, living within walking distance of each other.  She came from rural Mississippi and I came from rural Iowa. My response to her ad held the intention of uncovering a ‘female buddy’ with whom to share social undertakings.  Re-marriage was something I had not placed on a priority list, having failed at creating a successful marriage the first time around.  Marrying again would require significant shifts in my thinking. 

Sandra had a different agenda than mine….that of being married again, to the right man! 

The unfolding of our relationship, holding diverse entry points, as well as mutually compatible qualities, involved at least two components – integrity and candor.  Sandra emerged as the most honest and dependable woman I had ever known.  While her candor can stir up strong reactions, her motives were always pure and well intentioned.  Trust in her formed quickly and held long.  Pretense was not part of either of our makeups.  

Our courtship extended for one and a half years, allowing ample time to share our lives, interests and discoveries.  It also allowed time for blending of our collective three children.  Largely triggered by Sandra’s initiatives, I found myself enrolled in not one but two ball room dance classes with her.  After years of intense effort, I can truthfully report that dancing is not my natural thing!. 

I could even be found attending concerts and operas.  These exposures were enriching!  At one point we were enrolled in a sailing class, which included all three kids.  This I took to like fish in water, and became the start of a long-term affinity to sailing!. 

The more we shared our lives the more I discovered changes taking place in my own life.  My organization-development practice showed an uptake in new business.  My spirit became lighter and less hunkered down with survival demands.  Still, mustering the courage to embrace marriage was met with resistance.  Unfinished business of the past lingered. 

One of the themes in my life is being presented with new and unexpected opportunities exacting when they are needed.  So it was with enrolling in the Landmark Forum course, a four-day personal growth seminar.  With Sandra’s encouragement and willingness to also participate, we attended the course in the fall of 1986. 

In completing this intensive experience. I discovered a newly formed ability to separate past issues from the present and live more in the present.  Another shift had taken place. The immediate result was my willingness to see marriage as a distinct possibility!

The wheels on my new life car were taking me to a heretofore-unimaginable destination…marriage!  No more reservations.  No more doubts.  I felt a deep and enduring receptivity to marrying Sandra.  Two months later, on January 1, 1987 we were a married couple! 

What followed was an incredible series of challenges and discoveries in blending our living quarters, family members and professional schedules.  The complexity of these challenges tested the limits of our decision-making and problem solving skills, while creating a semblance of order and support for our marital union.

Again, these demands transported me to new levels of personal and professional functioning, leaving only remnants of my former self!  A quote I recently read captures this dynamic:  “We don’t grow when things are easy; we grow when we face challenges.”

In the interest of time and space, I will list a few game changing results, gained from my almost 30 year relationship with Sandra:  (1) co-creating an education-oriented support group for single adults, an entity that still contains vitality these days; (2) co-creating an education-based marriage-enrichment program titled Re-creating Marriage With The Same Old Spouse, which led to Sandra publishing a book by that title;  (3) expansion of my organization-development practice to involve a wider range of services, further challenging my developing new skills and spheres of influence; (4) emerging into a psychotherapist identity and joining Sandra’s established practice for the last decade of my professional life; (5) being part and parcel to creating a genuine, close-knit family circle, now containing five grandchildren to be the next generation; (6) finally, despite lacking experience, I discovered a passion for sailing, resulting in co-ownership of a 27’ boat and sailing on the high seas of Lake Erie! Traversing open waters open up an array of new discoveries while anointing my marriage with shared adventures.  Other callings have resulted in shelving my circumnavigation goal!

Retiring to Mississippi was never part of our retirement plans.  Sandra never proposed such, so there was no pressure from her.  In March, 2003, feeling weary from working, a big shift in plans occurred.  It was the first time for me to experience the allure of Mississippi in the spring-time and its contrast to cold, icy Cleveland, Ohio.  Without any prompting, it was I who proposed we abandon our retirement plans for living in Cleveland and launch our retirement earlier than planned and relocate to Petal.  My spirit and physical state became infused with a resounding state of emotional and physical arousal!  On June 17, 2004, we pulled into 386 Trussel Road in Petal, loaded with our worldly possessions. I deem this shift as directly attributable to Sandra’s presence as a true game changer, without asserting any overt coercion. 

The centerpiece of my game changing relationship with Sandra is Committed Love, holding a distinction from simply Loving Feelings.  The first holds endurance through good times and not-so-good ones.  The latter waxes and wanes over time and often results in ending a marriage when the feelings diminish.  Committed love has fostered security in being authentically myself, complete with shortcomings and all!  Ultimately, I have grown into new beginnings, including writing short stories and poems!


Thursday, May 1, 2014

10 Things You Should Not Give Up For A Relationship



relationship

1. YOUR SELF-ESTEEM / CONFIDENCE / SELF-BELIEF

LifeHack | Some relationships bring out the best in us, others leave us feeling unworthy and unsure of ourselves. If you find you are full of self-doubt and are less confident than you were at the beginning of the relationship it might be time to analyze where this decrease has come from. A healthy relationship should provide a solid base from which to explore the world and achieve the best you possibly can. If your relationship is keeping you ‘small’ and diluting your strengths it’s a warning sign to take notice of.

2. YOUR INDEPENDENCE – PERSONAL AND FINANCIAL

Being in a relationship can be a wonderful, loving experience. It’s always important to maintain your independence and resist morphing into one mutual identity. See your friends; enjoy interests that don’t always include your partner and keep a separate bank account for yourself. Independence is healthy and always helps you feel you are in the relationship because you want to be not because you need to be.

3. YOUR RIGHT TO DECIDE FOR YOURSELF – FREEDOM OF CHOICE

Never give up your opinions and freedom of choice to keep another person happy. Compromise is important and a win-win situation is the ideal outcome, but be wary of partners that try to control you. Whether it involves negative comments about the way you dress, the way you cook and/or clean the house or the friends you have – choose for yourself and do not be manipulated into doing things you don’t agree with in order to keep the peace.

4. YOUR RIGHT TO BE YOU

Protect your fundamental characteristics and personality traits and never give up the ‘essential you.’ We all change to a certain degree in relationships but be careful that you don’t try too hard and end up losing yourself in the process. Those who love you will adore the real you and all your imperfections. Constantly trying to change yourself will erode your confidence and self-esteem and it can be demoralizing.

5. YOUR HAPPINESS

There are times when our fear of being lonely is bigger than our wish for genuine happiness. As a result we remain in relationships that don’t bring out the best in us. We stay in lack-luster relationships because we fear the unknown and ultimately do ourselves a huge disservice. You only have one life – try not to waste it in a relationship that makes you miserable. Give up a relationship that undermines your sense of happiness and fulfillment during a long-term basis. If you feel unappreciated and unhappy, ask yourself why and assess whether the relationship you are in has anything to do with your sadness.

6. YOUR DREAMS AND GOALS

Never give up your dreams for the sake of a relationship. A relationship should be a spring board from which to chase your dreams rather than a place that keeps you chained and disillusioned. Jealous and/or insecure partners try to stifle a creative, passionate mind and keep their talented partner where they feel they can maintain control. If this sounds like your relationship, realize this is unhealthy. Happy relationships encourage adventure and help the people in it to move forward and progress rather than stagnate.

7. EXISTING RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU

Good friends can be hard to find and if you have a few wonderful and loyal friends, never give them up for a relationship. Any partner that expects you to give up friendships for him or her is selfish and likely controlling. A healthy relationship allows friends and family to happily co-exist alongside it. See it as a warning sign if your partner tries to isolate you from your friends and family.

8. YOUR SELF-RESPECT

In our pursuit of love we can sometimes cross self-respecting boundaries that we wouldn’t normally consider crossing. Whether it involves engaging in behaviors that you find demeaning or whether you allow yourself to be treated in a disrespectful way, this is another sign that the relationship is not good for you. Never give up your right to be treated with respect and decency. If someone crosses this line you should get rid of him or her right away. If you allow this treatment to continue it will become worse and you will end up despising yourself for allowing it.

9. YOUR IDENTITY – DON’T MORPH INTO YOUR PARTNER TOO MUCH AND LOSE YOURSELF IN THE PROCESS

When we immerse ourselves in a relationship, we tend to take on the interests and habits of our partners. There is nothing wrong with this process as ‘mirroring’ helps us to bond and feel more in tune. The problem comes in when we do not have a strong sense of self to begin with and we take on too many characteristics of our partner instead of developing our own identity. If we are too influenced by our partners we may stop making decisions for ourselves and veer off the path of true self-discovery.

10. YOUR DECISION-MAKING POWER

Think of decision making as a muscle that weakens if you don’t use it often. The more we don’t defer in decisions from our partners the less likely we will be to make future decisions and think for ourselves. This doesn’t mean you have to make every decision alone but be aware of habits you may have of double checking with your partner before making a decision – especially if it is for something fairly inane, such as a small household purchase. Think for yourself and keep making decisions, no matter how small. This helps to maintain your sense of individuality as well as your ability to stand on your own two feet.
Relationships can be heaven but they can also be hell. Take regular health checks on your relationship and use the above pointers to guide you through the process of assessing how happy and healthy your relationship is.
Mandy Kloppers
Mandy is a qualified Psychologist and Counsellor and helps people deal with relationship issues, depression and mental health problems.She believes that getting through life is easier with a robust sense of humour. To read Mandy’s daily blog on life, love and relationships go to: http://www.thoughtsonlifeandlove.com Author of “Destination Delinquency?” available on Amazon