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Friday, August 29, 2014

Conquering my Nicotine Addiction

Conquering My Nicotine Addiction
By Nate Bender
8/28/14

Smoking of cigars, pipes and cigarettes were every day parts of my formative years in rural Iowa.  Virtually all men, and in my youthful view all real men, seemed to smoke one or more of the three nicotine-laced items.  I have no memory of ever witnessing women or girls smoking, as it would have no doubt been deemed unladylike behavior!

Even before my high school years I was drawn to smoking.  It sounds gross now to think of having done it, I even resorted to retrieving cigarette butts off the roadways and smoking what was left. 

Once I even sneaked a fresh cigarette out of an open pack left on a nearby farmer’s table.  Okay, I stole it!

When I was around 10 years of age, I was caught stealing a pack of Lucky Strike cigarettes from one of the three small grocery stores in our town.  The resulting whipping from my father left an enduring mark on my psyche and rear end!  I was wrought with humiliation which was compounded by sibling taunts about being a “thief.” 

Working on farms in my teen years offered revenue to afford buying my own cigarettes, often via paying an adult to be the front-runner, when I was not of legal age.  This tactic was also employed in procuring beer!  My-oh-my, it’s no wonder I was so guilt-ridden during all of my developmental years!  Here I thought it was purely the spin-off of Lutheran Church guilt indoctrinations!

At home I had daily exposures to the fine art of rolling-your-own cigarettes.  Dad had his can of Prince Albert tobacco and paper thins in his front shirt pockets, requiring ready access to the art of making fresh cigarettes.  These shirt pockets could also be found to hold one or more cigars.

Annually, we journeyed to Parker, South Dakota for a week’s visit with Grandma and Grandpa Langrehr and other relatives in the area.  Grandpa was a pipe smoker and being witness to the steps he employed to launch his smoking captured my attention.  The aroma was also captivating.

During the summer I turned 14 (remember, I was already an adult-size 6’4”) I was invited to play on the Westgate town fast-pitch softball team.  Virtually all of the adults on the team smoked, making for easy ‘mooching’ of cigarettes, along with post-game beer consumption. 

Hay bailing work held special times for me.  The money, usually at a penny-a-bail rate, was good and smoking held special pleasure operating in the great out doors.  Lunchtime offerings of a cold beer enhanced this adult-level indulgence!

At no time was I ever admonished by my parents or other adults to not smoke, thus smoking became part of my life throughout my high school years and into college and beyond.

In 1963 when I joined the Peace Corps training experience at the University Minnesota smoking took on an expanded experience….an introduction to pipe smoking.  Even though Grandpa Langrehr’s pipe smoking enamored me, some of my fellow volunteers took it to another level.  Special blends of tobacco and specially crafted pipes created an exotic atmosphere for smoking, leading to my first pipe purchases and its array of accessories.

In 1968 I was drafted into the Army, where pay was low, resources limited and tobacco was subsidized and cheap.  $1.50 bought a carton of cigarettes, and break-time ‘light’em up if ya got im’ directives made smoking a welcome relief from the drudgeries of training.  Never did smoking hold greater appeal!
During my Army Clinical Psychology internship in 1976, one of the requirements was for interns to conduct stop-smoking support groups for military and dependent personnel.  Here I was leading a group to stop smoking and I was secretly smoking on the side lines….cognitive dissonance in the full force, I do say!

I want to fast forward now to 1983.  I’m 40 years old, recently divorced custodial parent of a seven year old son, newly self-employed and scraping by financially as well.  I’m now on a three pack-a-day protocol of smoking, using it as a stress releaser of sorts.  These were tenuous times for me. 

One evening a hand touched my shoulder while sitting in our living room smoking a cigarette.  The hand was that of my seven-year-old son, Jonathan.  He tapped my shoulder and very earnestly told me he did not want me to die!

This was a very powerful wakeup call.  At that very moment I extinguished the lit cigarette in my hand and placed the entire surrounding stockpile into the trash.  More than 30 years later I can now declare I’ve been totally tobacco clean for the duration.  From three-packs a day to none, without a trace of regret or desire!  Thank you, thank you, my beloved son!

A final note: in an effort to reinforce my seceding from smoking efforts I started to contribute the monthly amount I was spending on cigarettes into a savings account for my son’s future college education.  When he left for college in 1994 the account had generated more than $5,000!


This is my story and I’ll stand by its merits!

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Points to Ponder When Arguing

1. Openness

We can't always agree with each other, nor should we always try to. That doesn't mean everyone
who disagrees with us is wrong, or that we're always right. There's so much to learn from the
ideas and opinions of others when we stay open to listening to them. When we give up the need
to be right, we communicate and listen on a deeper level, with more understanding and
acceptance, and with less judgment and resistance. This is how dialogues move forward and
connections deepen. Also, our openness almost always encourages openness in those with
whom we communicate.

2. Detachment

It really is possible to be passionate about what we're trying to express without being attached to
how it's received. When we are attached to what we're saying, and to the need to be right about it,
we often end up forcing our ideas on others, or distorting our beliefs simply to gain the approval of
others. Detachment gives us the freedom to communicate without the pressure of needing to be
seen as right. Through detachment, we can find peace with however our comments are received
and with whatever direction a conversation takes. Who's right and who's wrong becomes
irrelevant.

3. Humility

The need to be right is rooted deeply in the ego, and one thing our egos are not is humble. Let's
take a breath and swallow our pride when someone says something we believe to be wrong. We
don't have to prove them so. Even more, we need to be willing to be wrong ourselves. It's not
about compromising our truths, but about being humble within the expression of them. It doesn't
matter whether we're right or wrong. What's important is how we handle ourselves in either case.

4. Forgiveness

Though the need to be right enters all areas of our lives, it's especially damaging during conflicts
with those we love. When we believe we've been wronged, we often want to prove to the one
who's hurt or betrayed us just how wrong they are. We want to hurt them back. Instead, the focus
needs to be on forgiveness. It's important to share our feelings and express how we feel hurt, but
not without a commitment to forgiving the action and the person, no matter how wrong we believe
them to be. When the desire to forgive takes precedent, the need to be right dissipates, opening
the door for a more conscious and healthy connection.

5. Kindness

Dr. Wayne Dyer famously wrote, "When given the choice between being right and being kind,
choose kind." We all struggle with the insecurities of our egos, with the insecurity of being wrong.
And a threatened ego will almost always lash out. When we make an effort to prove someone
wrong by establishing ourselves as right, we're being unkind in the process, whether we intend to
be or not. Only the ego cares about the distinctions between right and wrong. The heart simply
loves and accepts whomever is on the other side of the conversation. Let's operate from our
hearts, with kindness.

The next time we feel ourselves pressing to make our point and needing to be right, let's take a
moment to remember that being right is not the goal. It's unimportant. Let's try to integrate some
of the above qualities into our way of speaking, knowing that by doing so we invite a more

conscious and loving exchange with whomever is on the other side of our dialogue.