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Thursday, September 25, 2014

Divine Purpose


"Strange is our situation here upon earth.  Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to divine a purpose.  We do know that we are here for others - above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy."

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Belated Closure

Belated Closure
by Nate Bender
9/28/2014

In the early spring of 1978, when stationed in the Army at Fort Lewis Washington, I received a telephone call from my brother Reuben in Iowa informing me
that my father had died suddenly. 

Dad had eaten supper (the evening meal!), taken a shower and sat down in his living room recliner, only to be discovered in an expired condition by my mother. 

While he had recently celebrated his 74th birthday and was showing signs of declining vitality, which I was not made aware before hand, the news was a shocker.  It marked the first death of a parent for me to experience. 

Attending dad’s funeral offered opportunities for renewals with family and long forgotten community members.  I also experienced an unsettling disconnect.  My father’s sudden death did not provide an opportunity to exchange thoughtful and thankful farewell wishes.

Returning to my Fort Lewis-based wife and son, and my work as a psychologist, my unsettled emotional state took on a more intense condition…my first, and only encounter with depression.  I found myself withdrawing from interpersonal contact, save for my professional duties.  I simply wanted to isolate myself to engage in solitary brooding.

Over a three-month period I was able to begin sharing my emotional distress, centered on regrets in my relationship with my father.  Once I was able to circle the underlying emotional material, my depression lifted, while leaving evidence for developing a more complete form of closure.

Over the next four tumultuous years surrounding marital and vocational change, thoughts of my father were ever-present, leaving a gnawing sense of incompletion. 

In the throes of my tumults, I became aware of something more for me to do.  I could write a letter to my father, as if he were yet alive.  I could express to him the positive impact he had on my life.  I could also express my own regrets and ask for his forgiveness.  And, I could write a letter from him to me, wherein feelings of gratitude and forgiveness could be shared.

This two-way letter exchange was created, leaving yet one more requirement for me to feel complete….to have closure around my father’s dying.  I took my then 8 year-old son and my two letters to the cemetery in which dad was buried.  My son and I sat at the foot of Dad’s head stone and I read the letters, evoking a huge emotional discharge.  I was now complete and my son was witness to the act!

Here is a poem I recently wrote about my father, titled ‘Big Erv:’

Cloistered in a rural Iowa community quite small,
from 1st generation German immigrant parents, he did evolve.
Youngest of seven, the tallest he became,
reaching six feet and seven inches in all.
Formidable in stature his presence was marked,
accentuated by large, thick, grease-stained hands.
Disheveled in every-day attire, sans socks, cap askew, trouser-supporting suspenders,
and an ever-present cigar in the side of his mouth.
His wearing apparel held limited variety, marked by grey-blue work shirts and trousers,
and one double-breasted brown suit for formal….primarily church occasions.
Extroverted and sociable in personality he was,
connecting to old and new acquaintances with ease.
Gruff and opinionated in manner he could be,
masking a gentle and tender nature, awaiting opportunity.
Survivor of the Depression Years, thus miserly ways he embodied,
eschewing comfort and pleasure as marks of excess and frivolity.
His talents and abilities were varied and refined,
honed out of demands for survival and self-sufficiency.
Mechanically inclined, an auto mechanic he became,
earning a reputation for excellence both near and far.
His welding and metal works skills made recyclable material into works of art,
adding elegance and functionality to household accessories.
Man of the earth he was, thus a gardener extraordinaire he became,
marked by bountiful harvests and admirable layouts.
With a facile mind, it was only natural he develop his literacy,
even in an environment that demanded so little of its use.
Student of the Bible he proudly proclaimed,
offering interpretations even Martin Luther would applaud!
Curious about the larger world and political events,
he readily offered critiques both long and strong.
A dreamer he was, producing images of living in far away lands,
gleaned from Nat’l Geographic, and aborted by resource scarcities.
Most of all, Big Erv was my father, whose legacy and seeds his progeny hold close,

Anticipating transfer to the next generations.   Happy Every-day Father’s Day!

Let It Be A Dance

Let It Be A Dance
by Ric Masten

Let it be a dance we do.
May I have this dance with you?
Through the good times and bad times, too,
Let it be a dance.

Let a dancing song be heard.
Play the music, say the words,
And fill the sky with sailing birds.

Let it be a dance we do.
May I have this dance with you?
Through the good times and bad times, too,
Let it be a dance.

Everybody turn and spin,
Let your body learn to bend,
And, like a willow with the wind.

Let it be a dance we do.
May I have this dance with you?
Through the good times and bad times, too,
Let it be a dance.

Morning star comes out at night,
Without the dark there is no light,
If morning’s wrong, then nothing’s right.

Let it be a dance we do.
May I have this dance with you?
Through the good times and bad times, too,
Let it be a dance.


Saturday, September 13, 2014

Happy Marriage

Bride and Groom - The Recipe for a Happy Marriage - Five Ingredients
What’s the recipe for a happy marriage? Here are five important ingredients, from yogi and mystic, Sadhguru, that go into making a sweet, joyful and nourishing relationship with your spouse.

#1 Take Two “Heartfuls” of Love

The English expression, “Falling in love,” is significant because you don’t rise in love, you don’t fly in love, you don’t walk in love, you don’t stand in love. You fall in love, because something of who you are has to go. It essentially means someone else has become far more important than yourself. Only if you don’t think too much of yourself, you can be in love. When what you consider as “me” falls, a deep experience of love can happen within you.

#2 Add a Liberal Dose of Understanding

The closer the relationship with someone is, the more effort you should make to understand them. Someone becomes closer and dearer to you only as you understand them better. If they understand you, they enjoy the closeness of the relationship. If you understand them better, then you enjoy the closeness. If you are expecting the other to understand and comply with you all the time while you don’t understand the limitations, possibilities, needs and capabilities of that person, then conflict is all that will happen.
In everyone, there are some positive and some negative aspects. If you embrace all this in your understanding, you can make the relationship the way you want it. If you leave it to their understanding, it will become accidental. If they are very magnanimous, things will happen well for you. If not, the relationship will break up. It is not that the other person is totally bereft of understanding. With your understanding you can create situations where the other person would be able to understand you better.

#3 Work On It A Little

A marriage is not an absolute thing that you can do once and forget. It is an active partnership. Two separate people have chosen to come together for a common purpose and build a life together, live joyfully and multiply their wellbeing. Two human beings weaving their lives into one has a certain beauty.
In Indian culture, a marriage was renewed once a year just to remind you why you came together. It is a fresh marriage again on that day. Otherwise, you think you have been stuck in this forever. No. You came together consciously, and you have to conduct it consciously too.

#4 Warm It Up With Some Joy

If relationships have to be really beautiful, it is very important that a human being turns inward and looks at himself in a very deep way before he looks at someone else. If you become a source of joy by yourself and your relationships are about sharing your joy, you would have wonderful relationships with anyone. Is there anyone in the world who would have any problem with you if you are going there to share your joy with them? No. If you want to experience the profoundness of being with another human being, your marriage should never be about you – it should always be about the other person. If both of you think like this, your marriage will not be an arrangement, it will be a union.

#5 Offer It To Each Other

If your marriage is just a bundle of expectations about how to extracthappiness out of someone who should make heaven for you, you will be disappointed. They say marriages are made in heaven. They say that because most people created a hell out of their marriage! If your relationship is about extracting something out of someone, it does not matter how much you manage, there will be constant trouble. But if your relationship was an offering to the other person, then everything would be fantastic.
Editor’s Note: We hope this recipe for a happy marriage serves all the married couples well!