9-Day Male Bonding Retreat

During the mid 1990’s I enrolled in a Weir Lab.  Dr. John Weir, then a septuagenarian psychologist from California, with a long history of conducting personal growth “labs,” offered a first male-only lab, held in a eastern Pennsylvania retreat center.  A total of 40 men, young and old, straight and gay, gathered for a 9 day encounter, exploring the depth and breadth of what it is to be a man.

The lab was experiential, in that we played out the many, many exercises employed by John and his two cohort leaders.  The core tasking involved having each and every attendee create a dramatic representation of his becoming a man, forcing us to go beyond our comfort zones, while exercising our creative juices.  Just considering the tasking put me way out of my comfort zone, and realizing 39 others would likely precede me, I would have lots of time to come up with something.

John chose to take the lead, and asked us to form a seated circle in the room.  He left the room, and returned shortly thereafter, totally naked, carrying a tub of ice water, and placed it in the center of the room.  Saying nothing, and appearing to be indifferent to the rest of us, he promptly sat in the icy tub, displaying a comfortable manner.  Then he got up and ‘danced’ around the circle of men, flaunting his ‘junk’ in a defiant manner, generating hoots and derisive comments from his audience.  Imagine witnessing a wrinkled old man defiantly showing his less than optimum nakedness!  Well, the message he subsequently told us in the processing segment of the exercise, was that at this stage of his life, he felt free to be old without regard to external judgments.

As the presentations carried into the following days, I was asked to be part of several enactments, grounding me in being an acceptable model in other’s life history.  One enactment included all of the group, requiring all to strip naked (naked bodies seemed to be a key issue for some!) and form a standing circle, with no pre-exercise explanation.  This member proceeded to stand in from of each group member, and in silence scan the physical bodies thereof.  This particular process left me doubting the value and purpose, only to learn that the individual had been molested and abused in his youth, leaving issues around male power.

As the days and presentations wore on, I felt a growing anxiety forming in my body, as no creative juices were forthcoming.  When we only had two presentations left, I was strongly encouraged to be next to last!  Being very attendant to my nervous state, and without a script I asked the group to come together, most seated, and a few standing, in front of me.  I had brought an Army fatigue cap, as it represented an important part of my adult  development.  In front of the group, I donned the hat and began to cry, uncontrollably, and flung the cap to the side.  When the sobs ebbed, I was able to articulate how difficult it had been for me to be vulnerable, as being strong, tough and not show hurt was an important survival mode.  For the first time in my life, it was safe to be vulnerable in front of 39 males, who exuded support and love!

Here is a poem that captures the essence of what I took away from the aretreat:

TO BE A MAN IS NOT TO BE

(author unknown)


My father said to me, "Be a man!"
be strong, be a leader, be brave,
work hard, earn your way, save money,
provide for others; be responsible;
don't show anger.

My mother said to me, "Be a man!"
be smarter, be good, be polite,
obey, compete, practice, be quiet,
be alone, be careful;
don't show sadness.

My teachers said to me, "Be a man!"
be punctual, be quiet, be like others,
study, pay attention, do your homework,
compete, lose, win, succeed, fail;
don't show ignorance.

My clergy said to me, "Be a man!"
be reverent, be humble, be proud,
judge, sit still, be superior,
turn the other cheek, stand up for Jesus;
don't show hatred.

My peers said to me, "Be a man!"
be one-of-the-guys, be cool, be tough,
make out and score, drink, smoke,
play ball, hang out, goof off;
don't show weakness.

My sergeant said to me, "Be a man!"
be a soldier, be strong, be brave,
be arrogant, stand straight, take orders,
be a killer, be willing to die;
don't show fear.

Father, mother, teacher, peer,
Clergy, sergeant, all that are dear,
I learned to be what you wanted of me
In order to gain acceptability.
To be a man became my goal;
I struggled and strove to create my role.
I lived to please; I lived to serve;
A covert victim of your every word.
Life, for me, became a trap
Ensnaring, confusing--a vicious map
For how to act outside of me
While filling with rage internally.

Then one night in the midst of pain
A voice whose name I could not name
Said to me,

"Be you!"

"You are a man and much, much more.
Though the ground may unharrowed
be,
In you are freedom and responsibility,
Will, worth, devil, saint,
Arrogance, humility, stout heart and
faint.
You are the gardener, the choice is
yours
Of what to grow from your abundant
stores.
IN you there is life to live creatively,
If you accept and nurture your
immensity."

Father, mother, teacher, peer,
Clergy, sergeant, all that are dear,
I am a man and much much more.
Though I did not know this before
To be just a man is lessening me;
To be a man is not to be.