Game Changer #2

Game Changer #2

By Nate Bender

5/8/2014

On the heels of my 1^st game changer short story, this story seeks to capture life-changing influences of a second, though not necessarily second-place, person whose presence became instrumental in forming changes of direction in my life.  Sandra Gray Bender, my wife of more than 28 years now, is the featured person. 

I met Sandra via a personal ad she posted in the Cleveland Ohio Magazine. We were both single parents, living within walking distance of each other.  She came from rural Mississippi and I came from rural Iowa. My response to her ad held the intention of uncovering a ‘female buddy’ with whom to share social undertakings.  Re-marriage was something I had not placed on a priority list, having failed at creating a successful marriage the first time around.  Marrying again would require significant shifts in my thinking. 

Sandra had a different agenda than mine….that of being married again, to the right man! 

The unfolding of our relationship, holding diverse entry points, as well as mutually compatible qualities, involved at least two components – integrity and candor.  Sandra emerged as the most honest and dependable woman I had ever known.  While her candor can stir up strong reactions, her motives were always pure and well intentioned.  Trust in her formed quickly and held long.  Pretense was not part of either of our makeups.  

Our courtship extended for one and a half years, allowing ample time to share our lives, interests and discoveries.  It also allowed time for blending of our collective three children.  Largely triggered by Sandra’s initiatives, I found myself enrolled in not one but two ball room dance classes with her.  After years of intense effort, I can truthfully report that dancing is not my natural thing!. 

I could even be found attending concerts and operas.  These exposures were enriching!  At one point we were enrolled in a sailing class, which included all three kids.  This I took to like fish in water, and became the start of a long-term affinity to sailing!. 

The more we shared our lives the more I discovered changes taking place in my own life.  My organization-development practice showed an uptake in new business.  My spirit became lighter and less hunkered down with survival demands.  Still, mustering the courage to embrace marriage was met with resistance.  Unfinished business of the past lingered. 

One of the themes in my life is being presented with new and unexpected opportunities exacting when they are needed.  So it was with enrolling in the Landmark Forum course, a four-day personal growth seminar.  With Sandra’s encouragement and willingness to also participate, we attended the course in the fall of 1986. 

In completing this intensive experience. I discovered a newly formed ability to separate past issues from the present and live more in the present.  Another shift had taken place. The immediate result was my willingness to see marriage as a distinct possibility!

The wheels on my new life car were taking me to a heretofore-unimaginable destination…marriage!  No more reservations.  No more doubts.  I felt a deep and enduring receptivity to marrying Sandra.  Two months later, on January 1, 1987 we were a married couple! 

What followed was an incredible series of challenges and discoveries in blending our living quarters, family members and professional schedules.  The complexity of these challenges tested the limits of our decision-making and problem solving skills, while creating a semblance of order and support for our marital union.

Again, these demands transported me to new levels of personal and professional functioning, leaving only remnants of my former self!  A quote I recently read captures this dynamic:  “We don’t grow when things are easy; we grow when we face challenges.”

In the interest of time and space, I will list a few game changing results, gained from my almost 30 year relationship with Sandra:  (1) co-creating an education-oriented support group for single adults, an entity that still contains vitality these days; (2) co-creating an education-based marriage-enrichment program titled Re-creating Marriage With The Same Old Spouse, which led to Sandra publishing a book by that title;  (3) expansion of my organization-development practice to involve a wider range of services, further challenging my developing new skills and spheres of influence; (4) emerging into a psychotherapist identity and joining Sandra’s established practice for the last decade of my professional life; (5) being part and parcel to creating a genuine, close-knit family circle, now containing five grandchildren to be the next generation; (6) finally, despite lacking experience, I discovered a passion for sailing, resulting in co-ownership of a 27’ boat and sailing on the high seas of Lake Erie! Traversing open waters open up an array of new discoveries while anointing my marriage with shared adventures.  Other callings have resulted in shelving my circumnavigation goal!

Retiring to Mississippi was never part of our retirement plans.  Sandra never proposed such, so there was no pressure from her.  In March, 2003, feeling weary from working, a big shift in plans occurred.  It was the first time for me to experience the allure of Mississippi in the spring-time and its contrast to cold, icy Cleveland, Ohio.  Without any prompting, it was I who proposed we abandon our retirement plans for living in Cleveland and launch our retirement earlier than planned and relocate to Petal.  My spirit and physical state became infused with a resounding state of emotional and physical arousal!  On June 17, 2004, we pulled into 386 Trussel Road in Petal, loaded with our worldly possessions. I deem this shift as directly attributable to Sandra’s presence as a true game changer, without asserting any overt coercion. 

The centerpiece of my game changing relationship with Sandra is Committed Love, holding a distinction from simply Loving Feelings.  The first holds endurance through good times and not-so-good ones.  The latter waxes and wanes over time and often results in ending a marriage when the feelings diminish.  Committed love has fostered security in being authentically myself, complete with shortcomings and all!  Ultimately, I have grown into new beginnings, including writing short stories and poems!