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Saturday, July 28, 2012

50th High School Reunion Bio (May, 2011)

My journey from Westgate Iowa, 1961, to Petal, Mississippi, 2011, has evidenced a long and circuitous route. Chronological stops saw Iowa Falls & Ellsworth Junior College (now Community College), Minneapolis-St.Paul and Peace Corps training, followed by Los Angeles, California and Pepperdine College (now University), and employment as a Probation Officer, interrupted in 1968, when being drafted into the Army created duty stations in New Jersey, Louisiana, Virginia, Thailand and Germany. In my return to civilian life in 1972, found re-employment as a Probation Officer and graduate school @ Pepperdine, where and when a Masters Degree in Psychology in 1973 was garnered. Subsequently, I was accepted into a Doctoral scholarship program, via the Army, and reentered active duty as a student in 1974. Graduate school at United States International University (now known as Alliant University) resulted in earning a Ph.D. in Professional Psychology, followed by an internship @ Ft. Ord, CA. I completed my active duty pay-back stints @ Ft. Lewis, WA, and then Ft. Bragg, NC, where I was assigned as the Unit Psychologist of the Delta Force, a counter-terrorism assault force, with whom I accompanied during the attempted rescue mission of the Iranian hostages in 1980. In 1981, I was recruited to join an international Corporate Psychology Consulting Firm, assigned to their Cleveland, OH office. After more than two years employment, I developed my own consulting practice in 1983, remaining self-employed until retirement to Mississippi in 2004. The last ten years of self-employment marked a transition to a psychotherapy emphasis, joining the clinical practice of my second wife, Sandra, a psychologist. After eleven years of active military duty and nine years of Reserve duty, I retired as a Lieutenant Colonel, the benefits thus derived, have held me in great appreciation! Since Sandra is originally from Mississippi, and her parents in end-of-life stages, we decided to seize the opportunity to set up our retirement phase a bit earlier than expected, and hold no regrets, as the living is easy, albeit a bit hot at times, in the Deep South. Family-wise, I have a 35 year son, Jonathan, who has blessed us with a daughter-in-law, Emily, and a 2 yo grandson, August (aka Gus). I have a 37 yo step-daughter, Ariana, who has graced us with a son-inlaw, Sunil, and a 3 yo grandson, Sachin. Also, I have a 44 yo step-son, Dylan, who has blessed us additionally with a granddaughter, Samantha, age 13 and grandson, Max, age 12. Now you are in my life-loop!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Hypathia of Alexandria quote


Fables should be taught as fables, myths as myths, and miracles as poetic fantasies. To teach superstitions as truths is a most terrible thing. The child mind accepts and believes them, and only through great pain and perhaps tragedy can he be in after years relieved of them.

Hypathia of Alexandria

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Khalil Gibran on Relationships

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”


― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Monday, July 16, 2012

Roger and Elaine by Dave Barry

On the differences between men and women... Let's say a guy named Roger is
attracted to a woman named Elaine.

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few
nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of
them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving
home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it
aloud:

"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for
exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it
seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our
relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of
obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space so I'd have
time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to
keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see.... February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed
it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why
he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of
being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold
weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage
truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I
feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight
to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a
perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care
about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain
because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't
torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with
tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh my, I feel so ..." (She breaks
down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean,
I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight,
and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a
fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the
correct answer. "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time,"
Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches
his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?"
says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves
a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you,"
says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his
place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes
deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he
never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that
something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure
there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better
if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world
hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,
and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he
said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression,
and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored
with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did
Elaine ever own a horse?"

Colonoscopy Journal - Dave Barry

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in theirMoviPrep.. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me..'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc.. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Nate the Great at 69 By Sandra Bender - Poem

Do I dare say it? My honey, my lover, my constant companion
is getting older.
When we met, he walked in bounds--I could not keep up.
He is slower now.
The hands that held balls of various shapes, the arms that threw them, the legs that carried them down the field
succumbed to the sting of a nest of wasps.
His ears have failed, yet he persists in seeking
the finest technology to maintain his status as the great communicator.

As his body brings challenges, his spirit blazes new trails.
He is the heart of the family tenderly nurturing our children
who ache with challenges of their own.
He listens, he consoles, he confronts, he inspires.
He has discovered his brain and delights in using it.
New ideas come to him, such as unifying differences, left and right, male and female, religious and spiritual--he appreciates all.
And did I mention cheese? Nate makes several varieties--classic mozzarella, soupy or crumbly, and always delicious.

His love is sweeter now, more reliable, less distracted.
Years have worn defenses and protections away,
leaving pure presence.
Yearning for distant lands and adventures have made way for contentment.
What will the future bring for the man with everything?

Friday, July 13, 2012

Jane McGonigal: The game that can give you 10 extra years of life

I'm a gamer, so I like to have goals. I like special missions and secret objectives. So here's my special mission for this talk: I'm going to try to increase the life span of every single person in this room by seven and a half minutes. Literally, you will live seven and half minutes longer than you would have otherwise, just because you watched this talk.
Okay, some of you are looking a little bit skeptical. That's okay, because check it out -- I have math to prove that it is possible. And it won't make a lot of sense now. I'll explain it all later, just pay attention to the number at the bottom: plus-7.68245837 minutes that will be my gift to you if I'm successful in my mission.
Now, you have a secret mission too. Your mission is to figure out how you want to spend your extra seven and a half minutes. And I think you should do something unusual with them, because these are bonus minutes. You weren't going to have them anyway.
Now, because I'm a game designer, you might be thinking to yourself, I know what she wants us to do with those minutes, she wants us to spend them playing games. Now this is a totally reasonable assumption, given that I have made quite a habit of encouraging peopleto spend more time playing games. For example, in my first TEDTalk, I did propose that we should spend 21 billion hours a week as a planet playing video games.
Now, 21 billion hours, it's a lot of time. It's so much time, in fact, that the number one unsolicited comment that I have heard from people all over the world since I gave that talk, is this: Jane, games are great and all, but on your deathbed, are you really going to wish you spent more time playing Angry Birds? This idea is so pervasive -- that games are a waste of time that we will come to regret -- that I hear it literally everywhere I go. For example, true story: Just a few weeks ago, this cab driver, upon finding out that a friend and I were in town for a game developer's conference, turned around and said -- and I quote -- "I hate games. Waste of life. Imagine getting to the end of your life and regretting all that time."
Now, I want to take this problem seriously. I mean, I want games to be a force for good in the world. I don't want gamers to regret the time they spent playing, time that I encouraged them to spend. So I have been thinking about this question a lot lately. When we're on our deathbeds, will we regret the time we spent playing games?
Now, this may surprise you, but it turns out there is actually some scientific research on this question. It's true. Hospice workers, the people who take care of us at the end of our lives, recently issued a report on the most frequently expressed regrets that people say when they are literally on their deathbeds. And that's what I want to share with you today --the top five regrets of the dying.
Number one: I wish I hadn't worked so hard. Number two: I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Number three: I wish I had let myself be happier. Number four: I wish I'd had the courage to express my true self. And number five: I wish I'd lived a life true to my dreams, instead of what others expected of me.
Now, as far as I know, no one ever told one of the hospice workers, I wish I'd spent more time playing video games, but when I hear these top five regrets of the dying, I can't help but hear five deep human cravings that games actually help us fulfill.
For example, I wish I hadn't worked so hard. For many people, this means, I wish I'd spent more time with my family, with my kids when they were growing up. Well, we know that playing games together has tremendous family benefits. A recent study from Brigham Young University School of Family life reported that parents who spend more time playing video games with their kids have much stronger real-life relationships with them.
I wish I'd stayed in touch with my friends. Well, hundreds of millions of people use social games like FarmVille or Words With Friends to stay in daily contact with real-life friends and family. A recent study from [University of Michigan] showed that these games are incredibly powerful relationship-management tools. They help us stay connected with people in our social network that we would otherwise grow distant from, if we weren't playing games together.
I wish I'd let myself be happier. Well, here I can't help but think of the groundbreaking clinical trials recently conducted at East Carolina University that showed that online games can outperform pharmaceuticals for treating clinical anxiety and depression. Just 30 minutes of online game play a day was enough to create dramatic boosts in mood and long-term increases in happiness.
I wish I'd had the courage to express my true self. Well, avatars are a way to express our true selves, our most heroic, idealized version of who we might become. You can see that in this alter ego portrait by Robbie Cooper of a gamer with his avatar. And Stanford University has been doing research for five years now to document how playing a game with an idealized avatar changes how we think and act in real life, making us more courageous, more ambitious, more committed to our goals.
I wish I'd led a life true to my dreams, and not what others expected of me. Are games doing this yet? I'm not sure, so I've left a question mark, a Super Mario question mark. And we're going to come back to this one.
But in the mean time, perhaps you're wondering, who is this game designer to be talking to us about deathbed regrets? And it's true, I've never worked in a hospice, I've never been on my deathbed. But recently I did spend three months in bed, wanting to die. Really wanting to die.
Now let me tell you that story. It started two years ago, when I hit my head and got a concussion. Now the concussion didn't heal properly, and after 30 days I was left with symptoms like nonstop headaches, nausea, vertigo, memory loss, mental fog. My doctor told me that in order to heal my brain, I had to rest it. So I had to avoid everything that triggered my symptoms. For me that meant no reading, no writing, no video games, no work or email, no running, no alcohol, no caffeine. In other words -- and I think you see where this is going -- no reason to live.
Of course it's meant to be funny, but in all seriousness, suicidal ideation is quite commonwith traumatic brain injuries. It happens to one in three, and it happened to me. My brain started telling me, Jane, you want to die. It said, you're never going to get better. It said, the pain will never end.
And these voices became so persistent and so persuasive that I started to legitimately fear for my life, which is the time that I said to myself after 34 days -- and I will never forget this moment -- I said, I am either going to kill myself or I'm going to turn this into a game.
Now, why a game? I knew from researching the psychology of games for more than a decade that when we play a game -- and this is in the scientific literature -- we tackle tough challenges with more creativity, more determination, more optimism, and we're more likely to reach out to others for help. And I wanted to bring these gamer traits to my real-life challenge, so I created a role-playing recovery game called Jane the Concussion Slayer.
Now this became my new secret identity, and the first thing I did as a slayer was call my twin sister -- I have an identical twin sister named Kelly -- and tell her, I'm playing a game to heal my brain, and I want you to play with me. This was an easier way to ask for help.
She became my first ally in the game, my husband Kiyash joined next, and together we identified and battled the bad guys. Now this was anything that could trigger my symptomsand therefore slow down the healing process, things like bright lights and crowded spaces.We also collected and activated power-ups. This was anything I could do on even my worst day to feel just a little bit good, just a little bit productive. Things like cuddling my dog for 10 minutes, or getting out of bed and walking around the block just once.
Now the game was that simple: Adopt a secret identity, recruit your allies, battle the bad guys, activate the power-ups. But even with a game so simple, within just a couple days of starting to play, that fog of depression and anxiety went away. It just vanished. It felt like a miracle. Now it wasn't a miracle cure for the headaches or the cognitive symptoms. That lasted for more than a year, and it was the hardest year of my life by far. But even when I still had the symptoms, even while I was still in pain, I stopped suffering.
Now what happened next with the game surprised me. I put up some blog posts and videos online, explaining how to play. But not everybody has a concussion, obviously, not everyone wants to be "the slayer," so I renamed the game SuperBetter.
And soon I started hearing from people all over the world who were adopting their own secret identity, recruiting their own allies, and they were getting "super better" facing challenges like cancer and chronic pain, depression and Crohn's disease. Even people were playing it for terminal diagnoses like ALS. And I could tell from their messages and their videos that the game was helping them in the same ways that it helped me. They talked about feeling stronger and braver. They talked about feeling better understood by their friends and family. And they even talked about feeling happier, even though they were in pain, even though they were tackling the toughest challenge of their lives.
Now at the time, I'm thinking to myself, what is going on here? I mean, how could a game so trivial intervene so powerfully in such serious, and in some cases life-and-death, circumstances? I mean, if it hadn't worked for me, there's no way I would have believed it was possible. Well, it turns out there's some science here too. Some people get stronger and happier after a traumatic event. And that's what was happening to us.
The game was helping us experience what scientists call post-traumatic growth, which is not something we usually hear about. We usually hear about post-traumatic stress disorder.But scientists now know that a traumatic event doesn't doom us to suffer indefinitely.Instead, we can use it as a springboard to unleash our best qualities and lead happier lives.
Here are the top five things that people with post-traumatic growth say: My priorities have changed. I'm not afraid to do what makes me happy. I feel closer to my friends and family.I understand myself better. I know who I really am now. I have a new sense of meaning and purpose in my life. I'm better able to focus on my goals and dreams.
Now, does this sound familiar? It should, because the top five traits of post-traumatic growth are essentially the direct opposite of the top five regrets of the dying. Now this is interesting, right? It seems that somehow, a traumatic event can unlock our ability to lead a life with fewer regrets.
But how does it work? How do you get from trauma to growth? Or better yet, is there a way to get all the benefits of post-traumatic growth without the trauma, without having to hit your head in the first place? That would be good, right?
I wanted to understand the phenomenon better, so I devoured the scientific literature, and here's what I learned. There are four kinds of strength, or resilience, that contribute to post-traumatic growth, and there are scientifically validated activities that you can do every day to build up these four kinds of resilience, and you don't need a trauma to do it.
Now, I could tell you what these four types of strength are, but I'd rather you experience them firsthand. I'd rather we all start building them up together right now. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to play a quick game together. This is where you earn those seven and a half minutes of bonus life that I promised you earlier. All you have to do is successfully complete the first four SuperBetter quests. And I feel like you can do it. I have confidence in you.
So, everybody ready? This is your first quest. Here we go. Pick one: Stand up and take three steps, or make your hands into fists, raise them over your head as high as you can for five seconds. Go! All right, I like the people doing both. You are overachievers. Very good. (Laughter)
Well done, everyone. Now that is worth plus-one physical resilience, which means that your body can withstand more stress and heal itself faster. Now we know from the research that the number one thing you can do to boost your physical resilience is to not sit still. That's all it takes. Every single second that you are not sitting still, you are actively improving the health of your heart, and your lungs and brains.
Everybody ready for your next quest? I want you to snap your fingers exactly 50 times, or count backwards from 100 by seven, like this: 100, 93 ... Go!
(Snapping)
Don't give up.
(Snapping)
Don't let the people counting down from 100 interfere with your counting to 50.
(Laughter)
Nice. Wow. That's the first time I've ever seen that. Bonus physical resilience. Well done, everyone. Now that's worth plus-one mental resilience, which means you have more mental focus, more discipline, determination and willpower. We know from the scientific research that willpower actually works like a muscle. It gets stronger the more you exercise it. So tackling a tiny challenge without giving up, even one as absurd as snapping your fingers exactly 50 times or counting backwards from 100 by seven is actually a scientifically validated way to boost your willpower.
So good job. Quest number three. Pick one: Now because of the room we're in, fate's really determined this for you, but here are the two options. If you're inside, find a window and look out of it. If you're outside, find a window and look in. Or do a quick YouTube or Google image search for "baby [your favorite animal.]"
Now, you could do this on your phones, or you could just shout out some baby animals, I'm going to find some and put them on the screen for us. So, what do we want to see? Sloth, giraffe, elephant, snake. Okay, let's see what we got. Baby dolphin and baby llamas. Everybody look. Got that? Okay, one more. Baby elephant. We're clapping for that? That's amazing.
All right, now what we're just feeling there is plus-one emotional resilience, which means you have the ability to provoke powerful, positive emotions like curiosity or love, which we feel when we look at baby animals, when you need them most.
And here's a secret from the scientific literature for you. If you can manage to experience three positive emotions for every one negative emotion over the course of an hour, a day, a week, you dramatically improve your health and your ability to successfully tackle any problem you're facing. And this is called the three-to-one positive emotion ratio. It's my favorite SuperBetter trick, so keep it up.
All right, pick one, last quest: Shake someone's hand for six seconds, or send someone a quick thank you by text, email, Facebook or Twitter. Go!
(Chatting)
Looking good, looking good. Nice, nice. Keep it up. I love it! All right, everybody, that is plus-one social resilience, which means you actually get more strength from your friends,your neighbors, your family, your community. Now, a great way to boost social resilience is gratitude. Touch is even better.
Here's one more secret for you: Shaking someone's hand for six seconds dramatically raises the level of oxytocin in your bloodstream, now that's the trust hormone. That means that all of you who just shook hands are biochemically primed to like and want to help each other. This will linger during the break, so take advantage of the networking opportunities.
(Laughter)
Okay, well you have successfully completed your four quests, so let's see if I've successfully completed my mission to give you seven and a half minutes of bonus life.And here's where I get to share one more little bit of science with you. It turns out that people who regularly boost these four types of resilience -- physical, mental, emotional and social -- live 10 years longer than everyone else. So this is true. If you are regularly achieving the three-to-one positive emotion ratio, if you are never sitting still for more than an hour at a time, if you are reaching out to one person you care about every single day, if you are tackling tiny goals to boost your willpower, you will live 10 years longer than everyone else, and here's where that math I showed you earlier comes in.
So, the average life expectancy in the U.S. and the U.K. is 78.1 years, but we know from more than 1,000 peer-reviewed scientific studies that you can add 10 years of life to that by boosting your four types of resilience. So every single year that you are boosting your four types of resilience, you're actually earning .128 more years of life or 46 more days of life, or 67,298 more minutes of life, which means every single day, you are earning 184 minutes of life, or every single hour that you are boosting your four types of resilience, like we just did together, you are earning 7.68245837 more minutes of life.
Congratulations, those seven and a half minutes are all yours. You totally earned them.
(Applause)
Yeah! Awesome. Wait, wait, wait. You still have your special mission, your secret mission.How are you going to spend these seven and a half minutes of bonus life?
Well, here's my suggestion. These seven and a half bonus minutes are kind of like genie's wishes. You can use your first wish to wish for a million more wishes. Pretty clever, right?So, if you spend these seven and a half minutes today doing something that makes you happy, or that gets you physically active, or puts you in touch with someone you care about, or even just tackling a tiny challenge, you are going to boost your resilience, so you're going to earn more minutes.
And the good news is, you can keep going like that. Every hour of the day, every day of your life, all the way to your deathbed, which will now be 10 years later than it would have otherwise. And when you get there, more than likely, you will not have any of those top five regrets, because you will have built up the strength and resilience to lead a life truer to your dreams. And with 10 extra years, you might even have enough time to play a few more games.
Thank you.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Dying Gracefully

By Deborah Mitnick

My friend, “Sarah” died yesterday. I’m going to tell you about that death and how I used tapping to help Sarah and her family transition through the many stages that led up to her death. But I’m also going to insert a brief report about another death. I’m going to tell you about a client of mine who asked me to help her as her mother was dying. I’m combining these reports because of their similarities, but I see them as very different incidents.

Sarah, my friend, was 84 years old (almost as old as my Mother) and I’ve known her since I was three years old. Her daughter, “Jennifer,” was five years old when we met and we’ve been close friends for over 52 years.

Sarah had a stroke about a week ago, and although she looked at us and clearly understood what we were saying to her, she could not speak and she was paralyzed on one side of her body. She could blink her eyes and was no hope for a full recovery and that should Sarah live, she would not be able to achieve the dynamic functioning that she had enjoyed and cherished until the time of the stroke. She had a Living Will which stated that if she could not recover her full functioning and communicate with others in the manner to which she’d been accustomed, she would not want to be maintained on any life support and did not even want nutrition or hydration, should the prognosis for full recovery be poor.

I stayed with Sarah and her family almost night and day during this past week. Sarah’s son and daughter-in-law, “Charles” and “Linda,” as well as her daughter, Jennifer, were at Sarah’s bedside even more than I was.

As some of you know, I’ve always loved to work in crisis situations, in critical incident situations, and that I specialize in trauma, grief, and bereavement issues, among other things. I have a specialty in working with anticipatory grief situations and I know how to negotiate hospital systems and arrange it so that hospital personnel get things done in a timely fashion.

But Sarah is my friend and I was grieving for her. And Jennifer, Charles, and Linda are my friends and my heart was aching for them. So, I really wondered if I could be objective enough to help the Family. All I knew was that I really wanted to be with them and ease any discomforts that I could. So, I spent the week helping them think through some of the decisions that have to be made to “pull the plug.” After just a few days, they finally decided to remove all of the tubes, including intravenous hydration. Sarah made this decision as easy as she could for them because of how clearly she had written her Living Will many years before. (I recommend that we all have Living Wills! The Family knew exactly what Sarah wanted and didn’t have much hesitation or guilt about doing what needed to be done.)

In spite of Sarah’s clarity in her Living Will, this was still a gut-wrenching decision for the family. There’d been a lot of crying and second-guessing going on. This Family was finding it very difficult to “let go.” They wanted to do what was best for Sarah, but they were torn with conflict and with grief about taking that ultimate step because they knew that she would die more quickly, once they had all the tubes withdrawn. And, although they wanted to respect her wishes, on some level, they weren’t ready to let her go; they weren’t ready to no longer have her physically with them.

After the decision to remove hydration was made, Jennifer told her Mom everything that was about to happen. Although Sarah couldn’t speak, she clearly understood what was being said to her and she looked immediately relieved. Jennifer told her, “It’s ok to go. We’re going to remove the tubes and respect your wishes. We’ll be ok.” The Family decided to make arrangements with Hospice to take Sarah home so that she could die in her own bed.

But still the family grieved and second-guessed and was scared of what the imminent death would look like. (I was able to prepare them for what they’d see. I also got medical “experts” to tell them what to expect as the end grew closer.)

I offered to use some tapping with Sarah and with the family, to help them with their “letting go” conflicts. Later that night, I gathered the family around Sarah and told them that I’d like to tap on Sarah and also give the Family the opportunity to talk to Sarah while I tapped. I told them that I had no idea
what the outcome would be and asked them if it would be ok with them if she began to slip away, even before she got home to her own bed.

I told them that I’d had one other experience with tapping with a dying woman. In that case, the daughter of the woman was my client. “Mary” told me that her Mom had been in a coma for weeks and that the result was inevitable. She said it was torture to watch her Mother being agitated and in pain while in her light coma, but “Mom couldn’t let go” because Mary still wanted her Mom to “stay here” and “take care” of her." She said, “I’m not ready for Mom to die.”

After a phone session of EFT, Mary felt more ready. During that session, we tapped for, “Even though I’m not ready for Mom to die…,” “Even though I will miss her…,” “Even though I’ll have to take care of her cats now…,” “Even though it’s hard to let her go….”

And, as some of you know, I usually tap on one side for the “challenge” and on the other side for the “choice,” so I had Mary tapping for the above statements on the right side of the body, but we alternated with tapping on the left side of the body for the choice statements of, “Choosing forgiveness and peace...,” “Being open to choosing for her to let go now…”

I asked Mary if she’d be open to the possibility of tapping on her Mom,even though Mom was in a coma. (Since Mary and I totally believe that those in comas can still hear us talking to them, Mary was in enthusiastic agreement about this!) We discussed the types of things she could tap for on her Mom, while speaking for her Mom. “Even though it’s hard for you to let go because you think I still need you here…,” “Even though you’re worried about who will take care of your cats…,” “Even though it’s difficult to say goodbye, you want to deeply and completely accept yourself. You want to know that I am ok with this and that I will take care of your cats. And I will. It’s ok with me if you go in peace, when the time is right for you.”

A few days later, Mary left me a voice mail message: “I’m calling to let you know that my Mom passed on, but thanks to you, it was so peaceful and so amazing. I’ll need to tell you more in detail when we speak at our next session, but basically what I did is…I put on her favorite music; I sang and danced; I talked to her about good old memories. I did some tapping on her hand as I was talking. I kept things kind of light. When we went to give her the medication, she had some pain and gave a moan. We'd heard
nothing from her for two days. I tapped on her eyebrows and we went through all the tapping points you taught me. I told her ‘I want you to know, Mom that we (the kids) are all at peace. Whenever you feel it's right, it's ok to pass. We're ok.’ And with that, Deborah, she opened up her eyes from the coma. She looked around. I said, ‘Yes, it's ok. Go toward the light and be with your son and your husband, and everyone else who has passed on.’ We were all talking and singing with her. Whoever was talking to her,
Mom’s eyes looked directly at that person. My friend sang a prayer song. After the song, Mom looked content and took her last breath. It was so beautiful; it was so amazing. I owe it all to you, Deborah. I wouldn't have had the strength without your support. Even my husband said he couldn’t believe how strong I was. I couldn't have done it without you. I'd love to talk to you one day this week and prepare myself for the funeral. Thank you.”

Now that I’ve set the stage, I’ll tell you more about Sarah and her Family.

So, with my friends, I told them I couldn’t possibly know what would happen
next. I just had confidence that Sarah would hear us; that we could ease
her passage; and she would transition when the time was right for her. (I
was also thinking about Gary’s tutorial on “Borrowing Benefits” and I
assumed that the Family would achieve their own positive benefits [and
maybe even some peace] as I focused all of my attention and tapping on
Sarah.) I started tapping on her hand and then on all of the meridian points
that I could reach. “Even though you’re not quite ready to go, you want to
deeply and completely accept yourself. And even though you’re worried
about how people will manage without you, it’s ok. They are here with you
now and want you to know that they will be fine. They want you to know
that if they have any emotional problems, that Deborah will be able to help
them through that.”

I then invited the Family members to speak to her in turn. They all told her
that it was ok to transition, when she was ready and that and that they’d be
fine. They invited her to look toward the Light and see that her husband
and parents were waiting to welcome her and to ease her transition. They
told her to keep watch over them and that they would always feel her
spiritual presence. (I asked her to say hello to my Father for me! Sarah and
my Father had been very good friends.)

I then told her that if there was anyone she was still waiting to say goodbye
to, it was ok and that she had done the best she could in saying her
goodbyes. I also told her that each member of the Family wanted to ask
her forgiveness for anything that they may have done that had offended
her, that they had only done the best that they could at the time, given their
resources and their history. I then told her that we knew that she wanted
forgiveness for anything she had done that may have offended others, and
that we lovingly forgave her because we knew that she had also done the
best that she could given her history and her resources.

The entire time that the Family members talked to her, I was tapping on
her. We all cried, but we were crying, not just tears of grief, but of
celebration and of readiness to accept what needed to be accepted. We
told her that we’d be taking her home to her own bed and that she could
wait for that, or pass gently even before that.

For over 30 minutes, I tapped on Sarah while the Family talked with her
and assured her that they were fine. We sang songs of comfort to her.
When the Family members indicated they were complete, we stopped
tapping. They all said that it was a beautiful and comforting experience and
that they felt totally complete. We cried and hugged and celebrated a
beautiful and moving experience.

When we looked at Sarah again, her breathing had calmed down. Her color
had pinked up. Her brow was no longer furrowed and her wrinkles were
smoother. She was resting comfortably.

When we took her home, we put her in her own bed and continued to sing
to her, play her favorite classical music cassettes, and assure her that she
could transition when the time was right for her. We talked about Family
that hadn’t yet arrived from out of town and how they’d sent their blessings
for her to transition without needing to wait for them, because they felt
complete in their own goodbyes with her.

A few hours later, Jennifer and I were alone with Sarah. Jennifer had more
she wanted to say to her Mom and she took the time to say everything in
her heart. And then I tapped on Sarah again. Very gently, Sarah’s
breathing quieted. And a few hours later, we saw her Life Force leave her
body in the most gentle and quiet and peaceful manner.

____________________

I don’t feel a need to add much personal summary here. I feel honored to
have been a participant and also a facilitator for this Family that I love so
much. I feel blessed to have known Sarah at her most vibrant and I feel
blessed to have been with her as she gently died.

My life is enhanced because I knew this beautiful woman.

Deborah Mitnick, LCSW-C

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

All relationships require effort/intention to keep it on the right track; there is a constant tension within the emotional ecology of each person in the relationship, between the forces that hold them together and those that tear them apart. Even in so-called “stable” relationships, there needs to be a vigilance for the early warning signs that tell of the beginning signs of shunted energy leading toward a dead end.
The Four Horsemen, as described by John Gottman, Ph.D., in his research and writings, are disastrous ways of interacting that sabotage attempts to communicate effectively with another person. They are deadly qualities to all relationship, including marital, not so much because of their unpleasantness but because of the intense way they interfere with communications. As each horseman arrives, he paves the way for the next. They create a continuing cycle of discord and negativity that’s hard to break through if the participant’s don’t know what is happening.

1. Criticism (attacking someone’s personality or character, rather than a specific behavior - usually with blame): “You’re the type of person who always finds fault.” “You don’t care.” “You’re boring.” “I trusted you to balance the checkbook and you let me down - you’re irresponsible!”

2. Contempt (the intention to insult and psychologically abuse the other person): Hostile Humor. Insults and Name-calling. Mockery. Body Language

3. Defensiveness: Denying responsibility. Making Excuses. Disagreeing with Negative Mind Reading. Cross-complaining. Rubber Man/Rubber Woman. Yes-Butting. Repeating Yourself. Whining. Body-Language.

4. Stonewalling: Disengaging. Pulling away. Disconnecting.

Stopping the escalating develop of the four-horsemen:

• ‘Handle’ complaints before they are turned into criticisms, contempt,
defensiveness and stonewalling - listen without judgment & have
complaints turned into requests.
• Seek ‘1st to understand’ and then to be understood
• STOP ALL criticisms - make them unacceptable in the ground rules.
• Remember it’s about the behavior, not the person!
• Apply Win-Win Problem-solving process to conflicts.
• Seek to create a safe environment for full self-expression.
• Remember all behavior has a positive intention behind it, and the
intention is just as important as the actual behavior.
• Speak and seek the truth - it will set you free.
• When progress is difficult, seek therapy.

Alcohol Screening Test

1. Do you feel you are a normal drinker? (No, 2 points)
2. Have you ever awakened the morning after some drinking the night before and
found that you could not remember a part of the evening? (Yes, 2 points)
3. Does your wife, husband, a parent, or other near relative ever worry or complain
about your drinking? (Yes, 1 point)
4. Can you stop drinking without a struggle after one or two drinks? (No, 2 points)
5. Do you ever feel guilty about your drinking? (Yes, 1 point)
6 Do friends or relatives think you are a normal drinker? (No, 2 points)
7. Are you able to stop drinking when you want to? (No, 2 points)
8. Have you ever attended a meeting of Alcohol Anonymous (AA)? (Yes, 5 points)
9. Have you ever gotten into physical fights when drinking? (Yes, 1 point)
10. Has drinking ever created problems between you and your wife, husband, a
parent, or other near relative? (Yes, 2 points)
11. Has your wife, husband, a parent, or other near relative ever gone to anyone for
help about your drinking? (Yes, 2 points)
12. Have you ever lost friends or intimates because of your drinking? (Yes, 2
points)
13. Have you ever gotten into trouble at work because of your drinking? (Yes, 2
points)
14. Have you ever lost a job because of your drinking? (Yes, 2 points)
15. Have you ever neglected your obligations, your family, or your work for two or
more days in a row because you were drinking? (Yes, 2 points)
16. Do you drink before noon fairly often? (Yes, 1 point)
17. Have you ever been told you have liver trouble? Cirrhosis? (Yes, 2 points)
18. After heavy drinking have you ever had delirium tremens (DTs) or severe
shaking, or heard voices or seen things that weren’t really there? (Yes, 2
points)
19. Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking? (Yes, 5 points)
20. Have you ever been in a hospital because of drinking? (Yes, 5 points)
21. Have you ever been a patient in a psychiatric hospital or on a psychiatric ward
of a general hospital where drinking was part of the problem that resulted in
hospitalization? (Yes, 2 points)
22. Have you ever been seen at a psychiatric or mental health clinic or gone to any
doctor, social worker, or clergyman for help with any emotional problem, where
drinking was part of the problem? (Yes, 2 points)
23. Have you ever been arrested for drunken driving, driving while intoxicated, or
driving under the influence of alcoholic beverages? (Yes, 2 points)
24. Have you ever been arrested, even for a few hours, because of other drunken
behavior? (Yes, 2 points)

Appreciative Inquiry Futuring Process

Appreciative Inquiry attempts to use ways of asking questions and envisioning the future in-order to foster positive relationships and build on the present potential of a given person, organisation or situation. Applied research has demonstrated that this method can enhance an organisation's internal capacity for collaboration and change. Appreciative Inquiry utilises a cycle of 4 processes, which focuses on what it calls:

DISCOVER: The identification of organizational processes that work well.

DREAM: The envisioning of processes that would work well in the future.

DESIGN: Planning and prioritizing processes that would work well.

DESTINY (or DELIVER): The implementation (execution) of the proposed design.

The basic idea is then to build - or rebuild - organisations around what works, rather than trying to fix what doesn't. AI practitioners try to convey this approach as the opposite of problem-solving. They take a positive focus on how to increase exceptional performance instead of improving poor skills and practices. AI assumes that this line of reasoning is motivational. Progress does not stop when one problem is solved: it naturally leads on to continuous improvement. The method draws from stories of success in an attempt to create meaning.


1. Describe (write, speak, draw) a story from your experience about a "high point" in your involvement with XYZ organization. Who was involved? What happened? What were your feelings? What was the ongoing benefit of that experience - to you and others?

2. Things you value most in three areas:

- Self
- Your work
- The organization

3. Describe an important example of "the power of partnership" at XYZ organization - a time when you have experienced or seen community at XYZ organization.

4. What is your vision and hopes for the future at XYZ organization? When we wake up 5 years from now, what will be better, different?

5. What excites you most about being in XYZ organization?

Anger Management

When Men Blow Their Tops
Step by Step, angry people learn how to control themselves
By Amy Fries
The Journal Newspapers


The room fills with participants of assorted color persuasions and ages. What they share in common, though, is that they're all men and each of them has uncontrollable anger. Whether it is road rage, spouse and child abuse or a chilly marriage, grouchy work environments and violent crimes have roots in unregulated anger. Unchecked anger also plays a role in heart disease, high blood pressure and depression. For these men, anger has played out in an event that landed then in a court-appointed rap session. To help people control their emotions, health professionals offer up these sessions where advice and self-revelations focus on how rage manifests itself and how people can put a lid on it. "All problem anger is caused by a temporary state of self-diminishment," says Maryland anger therapist Steven Stosny, Ph.D. "When people feel put down, anger numbs that pain and gives them a temporary sense of power."
While some anger management courses are open to both men and women, others are not. Often, it is a requirement made by a judge who mandates participation as part of a plea agree-ment, particularly in cases of assault or aggressive driving.
Feeling a threat to the self triggers the fight or flight response by releasing powerful chemicals to every muscle and organ in the body, says Stosny, whose methods of controlling anger have been implemented in community services programs in several counties in the region. "The problem is, fight or flight response was never meant to be used with families or in any type of negotiation, except with saber-tooth tigers," He says. As a result, anger is a crucial emotion to pay attention to, Stosny says. "It's a necessary condition for most crime."
According to Rita Smith, spokeswoman for the National Coalition Against Domestic Vio-lence, "Ninety-two to 95 percent of all domestic violence cases involve men battering women." Males also comprise the majority of aggressive drivers. A 1997 AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety study reported that 12,828 people were injured or killed as a result of aggressive driving between 1990 and 1996. While the study revealed there was no profile of an aggressive driver, "most are relatively young, poorly educated males with criminal records, histories of violence and drug or alcohol problems, and many have recently suffered an emotional or professional setback." Virginia's Fairfax County and Maryland's Prince George's County employ Stosny's anger management techniques as part of their community service programs. There are an estimated 260 men each year participating in the Fairfax program, 70 percent of whom are court-referrals, says Karen Koerselman, coordinator of A Men's Program, a counseling program operated by Northwest Mental Health Center, which is part of the Fairfax/Falls Church Community Services Board. According to Koerselman, Stosny's track record "an 87 percent success rate" was the reason that the program was used by the local groups.
Stosny's five-step technique, known as HEALS, is taught in four to 12 weeks for violent clients and in two to three sessions for nonviolent self-referrals. Essentially, the method teaches the client to develop a different response to situations that provoke their hostility. In the first step, the client must work up a low-grade state of anger arousal. When the client identifies the physical manifestations, like clenched teeth, a knot in the stomach or tight shoulders, he must identify the underlying hurt. Often, it's feelings of rejection and powerlessness, Stosny says. Then the client must express compassion for himself first and then for others. This process allows an individual to communicate and problem solve more effectively, Stosny says. The client repeats this a dozen times a day for four to 12 weeks. By then, Stosny says, the appropriate response is automatic.
"Anger works as a form of self-empowerment when someone feels diminished, so we have to teach them pro-social forms of empowerment." Stosny says.
Anger is not gender-specific, Stosny says. Men and women get angry for the same reasons and one gender doesn't experience anger more often than the other. The difference is in the way men and women are socialized to understand anger and respond to it. Men get physically aggres-sive or shut down emotionally, and women reach out or cry. "We do two separate numbers on the genders in our culture." Stosny says. "Men are not allowed to feel or express any emotion except for anger and women are supposed to feel and express all emo-tions but anger." Men are also more action-oriented when angry, Stosny says, which are caused by physiology. "Men go into a fight or flight at a much lower threshold and stay in it much longer." That's why Stosny says he trains men to unload the dishwasher or wash dishes when they're angry.
He says another difference between the sexes when it comes to anger is that women tend to cry when they're angry and men don't. Crying puts people in touch with their sadness, and men aren't allowed to feel such vulnerable emotions. "Men use anger to numb hurt, so it's an either or situation for them. If they cry, they won't be angry," he says. A low-grade anger arousal may help people do a job they don't want to do or help them concentrate on something that doesn't interest them. Stosny, for example says he works up a low-grade anger to do his taxes.
Though anger is a good motivator, it's a terrible regulator, he says. "Performance compe-tence goes way down when angry. Whatever you can do angry, you can do better not angry."
The best way to define problem anger, says Stosny, is that it makes you do something that's not in your best interest or keeps you from doing something that is. "That can be subtle, like putting a chilly wall between you and someone you love. It's not going to get you into immediate trouble, but eventually it can ruin your life."
While many people think of problem anger in terms of the dramatic - the disgruntled employee who shoots up the office, the man who drives his car into a video store because he was charged a late fee - most problem angers are more subtle. "I've had over 1,200 court-ordered clients, and less than a dozen were rage problems," Stosny says. When he does see clients who have "snapped," he investigates physiological conditions, like a brain tumor or schizophrenia, that may trigger an episode. But mainly he believes that people who act out a rage have intense resentment that builds up until they explode out of proportion to an affront. "When the self is at stake, it becomes life or death even though it's trivial," he says. Anger is catching, says Stosny. "It's the most contagious of emotions. If you're around an irritable person, you're going to get irritable," he says.
Some shy people use anger to help them get through uncertain situations, says Stosny. When these people go to a party, for instance, they'll get hypercritical. "They start to find something wrong with the music, the hostess' dress, the punch." That type of hypercriticism is low-grade anger arousal, Stosny says. "The problem with low-grade anger is it doesn't have the same built-in resolution that rage has. People can only rage for a few minutes, before exhaustion kicks in; low-grade arousal can go on for years." According to Stony, there are about 27 different forms of anger. Most of them are mild, such as feeling impatient, irritable or grouchy.
Resentment is the most common form but the most common stimulant for anger is a loud unexpected noise, like a lawn mower outside. "Most of the time that anger will go away in a second, but if you're a blamer, you say, those thoughtless inconsiderate people, they don't care about me."
Anger is also a response to physical pain. That's because anger releases epinephrine which numbs pain and gives a rush of energy. "That's how athletes play with broken bones and why wounded animals are so ferocious."
Bitterness is another form of anger used as a numbing agent for grief or sadness. "Everyone has someone in their family with attachment loss that they regulate with anger," Stosny says. "It could have happened 20 or 30 years ago. Every time they think of grandma, they'll think, Sally got her doily and I should have gotten that." The problem with that technique, he adds, is that, "anger works like ice on a wound, it numbs the pain but retards healing."
Some people have an opposite physiological response to anger. They actually calm down. They make up about 15 percent of the population and are known as vagal-reactors, Stosny says. "The vagus nerve puts the brakes on the respiratory system. Without it, we'd all die of a heart attack by the time we're 12." For most people, anger or other intense emotional experiences, such as the heat of competition, accelerate the heart and flood the body with adrenaline, making it harder to stay calm and think clearly. "Michael Jordan is probably the most famous vagal-reactor," Stosny says. "His heart rate declines during the game. It gives him enormous stamina. Instead of getting exhausted, he gets better." If you're a vagal-reactor and an athlete that can "be pretty wonderful," Stosny says. "But if you're a vagal reactor and a criminal, you're extremely dangerous." Criminals who are vagal reactors tend to have anti-social personalities, Stosny says. "They don't have the normal inhibition not to be violent or to stop violence once they hurt. They're entirely focused like cobras."

For information on anger management seminars, Steven Stosny, at (301) 921-2010; A Mens Program, Fairfax County, (703) 968-4000; Prince George's County Social Services, (301) 422-5000.

Intuition - Michelle L. Casto, M.Ed.

Intuition is an incredible resource and gift that we have been given to help us live our best life. Unfort-unately, not many people know what it is or how to use it. The word intuition means "in to you" in Latin. Florence Scovel, a theologian, once said, "Intuition is the spiritual faculty that doesn't explain; it seem-ingly points the way." It's also been said that intuition is your divine Spirit talking to you. If you will stop for a moment and acknowledge this, you will begin to realize the incredible perspective you have at your fingertips. You have this very amazing power! And you don't even have to get any special training to start using it. All you need to do is raise your awareness about it and set your intention to harness it.

Intuitive messages range from an inkling to a strong sign or message. Your inner self is persistent and consistent. It will keep trying to get your attention until you finally wise up! An inkling is like a glimmer or passing feeling/ thought that comes from somewhere inside and usually proceeds a hunch or intuitive message. A "hunch" is accurate information from a higher intelligence; therefore, you can rely on it. An intuitive message ranges from hearing actual words, seeing a clear picture, or a deep inner knowing. Some people experience intuition as a feeling, others a gut reaction, others will see images or have a dream, others hear an actual message. Become familiar with how your inner self communicates with you. Once you receive the message, check it out with your research and common sense.

The best ways to get in touch with your intuition are:
1. Be quiet - Practice taking time out every day to experience silence. Calm your mind with traditional or active meditation. Release your need to think, analyze, and know everything. The best information comes from the deep recesses of your soul.
2. Be open - Open to the gift of intuition and accept what is has to tell you. Many times, our ego thinks it has it "all figured out," but your true path may look very different than the one you are on. Being open to new possibilities and ways of living is key.
3. Be creative - There are many ways to be creative, painting, writing, dancing, designing a website, etc. Do something that helps you get into the "flow," that place where time seems to fly by and the work is leading you. Creativity is an expression of your soul and goes hand-in-hand with intuitive guidance.
4. Ask questions - When you ask yourself questions, you gain additional insight and clarity. When you ask a question like "What is the next step I need to take?" know that you already know what you need to know. Trust yourself. You already have everything you need inside.
5. Journal - When you write, you tap into thoughts, feelings, ideas and direction that you are not consciously aware of. Writing allows the truth to come forth and is an easy way to gain insight from your inner self.

You can further develop your intuitive guidance by preparing yourself by gathering the necessary information and experiences to provide more of an opportunity for your intuition to surface. Intuition cannot be forced; you need to allow it. After loading up your mind with information about the issue, give your intuition time to work on it. And then become open to the answer. You will likely experience an "Aha" moment, which is a moment of instant awareness, where the answer sprouts from "out of the blue." If you have an important decision to make and are not 100% sure about something happening, stop and think before making a decision. Usually this is your intuition trying to tell you that something is not quite right. Likewise, if you feel that you should go for it, do it, so you don't miss a valuable opportunity.

Intuition is your very own best friend. It is always there for you. It waits patiently for you. It gives the absolute best advice, and all you have to do is ask! Like any good friendship, all it takes to nurture it is a little time and attention. If you decide to be close and intimate with your intuition, I promise that your life will transform into something wonderful.

Traits of Emotional Distancers

The Task: Underline/highlight those which apply to YOU

SEXUAL STYLE: Pursuit.
SENSE OF SELF: On the surface, aggrandized self; strongly individualistic. In reality; psuedo-individualistic. Individualistic only in a supportive environment, such as at home, in presence of, but unresponsive to, his partner. Does things in own way, through defiance or passive resistance. A leader and self-initiator. Sees the world as centered on himself. Tries to be the center of attention. Feels unappreciated. Overly self-concerned and self-protective; always looking out for self. Difficulty perceiving others’ point of view. Prefers independent activities with “buddies,” not organized group activities. Chooses to be different for itss own sake. Experiences his individuality to the exclusion of relationship.
TRUST: Highly suspicious of others and relationships with them. Pessimistic about others’ motives.
EMOTIONS: Primarily object-oriented. Relates to and puts material things first, feelings and people second. Results in an overemphasis on thinking and logic. Fears emotions and emotionality. Avoids them. Unemotional, and affect is elusive. Impossible to tell his feelings by looking at or listening to him. Only emotion expressed regularly is anger. Either explosively and briefly or passive-aggressively, as if he’s not angry when he really is. Self-gratifying and unresponsive. Little sympathy for, or empathy with, others. Feels little for others or self.
EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES: Overprotected. Needs a lot of “space.”
RELATIONSHIP SKILLS: Lacking.
SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY: Underresponsible; feels little responsibility for his situation or relationship. Tends to blame others. Most comfortable emotionally (although not truly happy) behaving like a “baby.”
CAPACITY TO CHANGE: Lacks insight and/or follow-through. Inability to adjust. Clings rigidly to position regardless of circumstances. Resists direct change. Tends to evolve rather than changing directly in response to circumstances. Will change when faced with loss of significant other. Rejects advice, counseling. Solutions must come from self. Frustrates others’ efforts to change him.
RHYTHM OF INITIATING CHANGE: Tends to be overly “patient.” Procrastinates. Avoids facing relationship problems. Prone to relationship paralysis.
PATTERN OF EMOTIONS: Little variation. Tends to be reasonable, but boring. Depends on his pursuer for highs and lows.
RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: Expects the pursuer to always be there. Prone to despair and self-pity when not fulfilled.
PERSONAL PROBLEM-SOLVING SYTLE: Avoidance. Seeks peace, avoids emotional crises. Believes if you ignore a problem long enough, wit will go away.
CONTROL AND MANIPULATION: Strives to maintain central position to protect self from getting hurt. Manipulates environment to meet his needs.
DECISION MAKING: Decisions made and then clung to regardless of changes in circumstances.
VIEW OF LOVE: Overemphasizes practical aspects. Minimal expression of love, sharing, or romance, except when courting or pursuing a distancing partner.
TYPICAL BELIEF: Love is fine, but it doesn’t pay the bills.
SEXUALITY Physical enjoyment takes precedence over caring. Sex seen as conquest or performance, not shared experience. Objectifies partner.
SUBSTITUTE ACTIVITIES: Overly involved with objects, e.g., sports, cars, house (for prestige), work, sexual liaisons (conquest), alcohol.
SELF-DECEPTION: Believes overemphasis on individuality brings a sense of security, self-esteem, contentment. Fears emotional closeness. Believes he can evade a pursuer.
DEMEANOR: In later years: boring to be involved with. Arrogant, cynical, pessimistic, negative. Prone to self-pity.
FACIAL CHARACTERISTICS AFTER FORTY: Appears emotionless. Dark circles under eyes.
GREATEST RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTY: Denial of problem. Avoidance of relationship issues.
TYPICAL STATEMENTS: “I like myself the way I am and you should too. If you don’t like me the way I am, you’re free to leave. I give you a comfortable life, don’t sleep around – what more do you want?”


Traits of Emotional Pursuers (Predominately female)

The Task: Underline/highlight those which apply to YOU

SEXUAL STYLE: Distance.
SENSE OF SELF: Strongly nonindividualistic. Has difficulty being alone or acting independently for any length of time. Rarely does things on own. Primarily does what others want. Tends to be clinging and overly anxious. A follower. Depends on others for guidance. Sees the world as centered on others. “Gives to get.” Feels taken for granted. Overly concerned and protective of others. Always looking out for others, never for self. Overly adaptive. Chooses to be like others or to yield for the sake of unity. Feels empty without interaction with others. Constantly seeking love, approval, and appreciation. Will give up individuality for the sake of relationship.
TRUST: Tends to be naïve about relationships. Optimist about others’ motives. Overly trusting; frequently taken advantage of.
EMOTIONS: Primarily people and feeling oriented. Places these above material things. Seeks out emotions and emotionality. Overemotional, and affect is heightened. Openly shows feelings to everyone. Expresses a full range of emotions. Frequently intensely expressive, at the expense of thought or reason. Overinvolved in others. A “co-dependent.” Overly sympathetic and empathetic. Heightened response to others. Avoids pain. Tries to protect others from consequences of their behavior.
EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES: Ill-defined. May be nosy, intrusive (“always has to know what’s going on with everyone in the family at all times”).
RELATIONSHIP SKILLS: Immaturely applied.
SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY: Overly responsible. Assumes too much responsibility for the relationship. Assumes solution is in her power with sufficient effort. Most comfortable emotionally (although not truly happy) when tending to the needs of others. Tends to infantilize others. Is a “rescuer.”
CAPACITY TO CHANGE: Insight into others, but little into self. Often held back by looking for explanations. Much talk of change, while still passive. Changes made to appease. Avoids significant change because of anticipated pain and lack of approval. Wants prior guarantees. Open to direct change. Overly amenable. Fears taking a stand and dealing with consequences. Believes problems must be dealt with instantly. Seeks advice, counseling. Open to offered solutions via own efforts.
RHYTHM OF INITIATING CHANGE: Overly impatient. Cannot delay dealing with problems. Lacks restraint; impulsive.
PATTERN OF EMOTIONS: High peaks and deep lows. Depends on the distancer for stability.
RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: High expectations of others, low for self. Believes she expects “nothing in return,” but holds expectations no one could fulfill. Prone to resentment, bitterness in later years. Very critical of others.
PERSONAL PROBLEM-SOLVING STYLE: Emotional engagement. Seeks emotionally charged, reactive situations. Uncomfortable in calm situations. Tends to provoke reactivity and crises. Generates worry about everyone and everything.
CONTROL AND MANIPULATION: Controls to protect others from themselves. Manipulates, controls others through guilt, advice, retaliation, criticism, and/or submissiveness. Acts for others “own good.” Feels powerless and ultimately incapable. Seeks someone to exert control for and over her.
DECISION MAKING: Difficult, confused, inconsistent. Depends on others to make decisions (parents, partner).
VIEW OF LOVE: Love conquers all.
SEXUALITY: Caring for the partner takes precedence over physical enjoyment. Sex seen as a sign of caring for and by partner.
SUBSTITUTE ACTIVITIES: Overly involved with family, house (for approval), sexual liaisons (to feel cared for), medications, particularly tranquilizers.
SELF-DECEPTION: Believes living for or as extension of partner brings a sense of security, self-esteem, contentment. Believes can catch a distancer.
DEMEANOR: Assumed invulnerabilty. Self-righteous. In later years: bitter, cold, emotionally and physically fatigued. Prone to martyrdom.
FACIAL CHARACTERISTICS AFTER FORTY: Stress lines (from turmoil, anger). Fatigued look (from pursuit).
GREATEST RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTY: Inability to remain uninvolved, particularly with own children.
TYPICAL STATEMENTS: “All I ever needed was a home and to be loved. I’ll do whatever I have to do to keep everyone happy. If he really cared about me, he would just know what I want.”

Time Management Tips

Scheduling and managing time wisely are important. If you miss important appointments and deadlines complications are created in your personal/family and professional lives. These complications trigger anxiety, frustration, guilt, and other negative feelings.

This handout is not going to tell you what to do. Instead, it will suggest how to make the most of your time and personalize it to fit your tastes and activities.

A Personal Time Survey. To begin managing your time you first need a clearer idea of how you now use your time. The Personal Time Survey will help you to estimate how much time you currently spend in typical activities. To get a more accurate estimate, you might keep track of how you spend your time for a week. This will help you get a better idea of how much time you need to prepare for each subject. It will also help you identify your time wasters. But for now complete the Personal Time Survey to get an estimate. The following survey shows the amount of time you spend on various activities. When taking the survey, estimate the amount of time spent on each item. Once you have this amount, multiply it by seven. This will give you the total time spent on the activity in one week. After each item's weekly time has been calculated, add all these times for the grand total. Subtract this from 168, the total possible hours per week. Here We Go:

1. # of hours of sleep each night: ________ X 7 = _______

2. # of grooming hours per day: ________ X 7 = _______

3. # of hours for meals/snacks per day - include preparation time:_______ X 7 = _______

4a. Total travel time weekdays: _______ X 5 = _______

4b. Total travel time weekends: _______

5. # of hours per week for regularly scheduled functions (clubs, church, get-togethers, etc.):
_______

6. # of hours per day for chores, errands, etc.: _______ X 7 = _______

7. # of hours of work per week: _______

8. # of hours exercise per week: _______

9. # of hours per week spiritual enrichment: _______

Now add up the totals: _______

Subtract the above number from 168 - _______ = _______

The remaining hours are the hours you have allowed yourself discretionary use.

Daily Schedules

There are a variety of time schedules that can fit your personality. These include engagement books, a piece of poster board tacked to a wall, or 3 x 5 cards. Once you decide upon the style, the next step is construction. It is best to allow spaces for each hour, half-hours for a busy schedule. First, put down all of the necessities: work, exercise, meals, etc.

Now block in your discretionary time activities.

Tips for Saving Time Now that you know how you spend most of your time, take a look at it. Think about what your most important things are. Do you have enough time? Chances are that you do not. Below are some tips on how to schedule and budget your time when it seems you just don't have enough.

Don't be a perfectionist. Trying to be a perfect person sets you up for defeat. Nobody can be perfect. Difficult tasks usually result in avoidance and procrastination. You need to set achievable goals, but they should also be challenging. There will always be people both weaker and stronger than you.

Learn to say no. For example, a friend would like you to see a movie with him/her tonight. You made social plans for tomorrow with your friends and tonight you were going to have quality family time and do laundry. You really are not interested. You want to say no, but you hate turning people down. Politely saying no should become a habit. Saying no frees up time for the things that are most important.

Learn to Prioritize. Prioritizing your responsibilities and engagements is very important. Some people do not know how to prioritize and become procrastinators. A "to do list" places items in order of importance. One method is the ABC list. This list is divided into three sections; a, b, or c. The items placed in the A section are those needed to be done that day. The items placed in the B section need completion within the week. The C section items are those things that need to be done within the month. As the B, C items become more pertinent they are bumped up to the A or B list. Try it or come up with your own method, but do it.

Combine several activities. Another suggestion is to combine several activities into one time spot. While commuting to school, listen to taped notes. This allows up to an hour or two a day of good study review. While showering make a mental list of the things that need to be done. When you watch a sit-com, laugh as you pay your bills. These are just suggestions of what you can do to combine your time, but there are many others, above all be creative, and let it work for you.
Conclusion

After scheduling becomes a habit, then you can adjust it. It's better to be precise at first. It is easier to find something to do with extra time then to find extra time to do something. Most importantly, make it work for you. A time schedule that is not personalized and honest is not a time schedule at all.

10 THINGS YOU CAN DO TO CONTRIBUTE TO INTERNAL, INTERPERSONAL, AND ORGANIZATIONAL PEACE

1. Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how you would like to relate to yourself and others.

2. Remember that all human beings have the same needs.

3. Check your intention to see if you are as interested in others getting their needs met as your own.

4. When asking someone to do something, check first to see if you are making a request or a demand.

5. Instead of saying what you DON’T want someone to do, say what you DO want the person to do.

6. Instead of saying what you want someone to BE, say what action you’d like the person to take that you hope will help the person be that way.

7. Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone’s opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.

8. Instead of saying No, say what need of yours prevents you from saying Yes.

9. If you are feeling upset, think about what need of yours is not being met, and what you could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what’s wrong with others or yourself.

10. Instead of praising someone who did something you like, express your gratitude by telling the person what need of yours that action met.



The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) would like there to be a critical mass of people using Nonviolent Communication so all people will get their needs met and resolve their conflicts peacefully. For further information about Nonviolent Communication, please visit CNVC’s website: www.cnvc.org

Rules for Being Human

You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for as long as you live.

How you take care of it or fail to take care of it can make an enormous difference in the quality of your life.

You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time school called Life.

Each day, you will be presented with opportunities to learn what you need to know.

The lessons presented are often completely different from those you THINK you need.

There are no mistakes - only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation.

You can learn as much from failure as you can from success.

A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it.

When you have learned it (as evidenced by a change in your attitude and behavior), then you can go on to the next lesson.

Learning lessons does not end. There is no stage of life that does not contain some lessons

As long as you live, there will be something more to learn. "There" is no better than "here".

When your "there" has become a "here", you will obtain another "there" that will again look better than your "here".

Don't be fooled by believing that the unattainable is better than what you have.

Others are merely mirrors of you.

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

When tempted to criticize others, ask yourself why you feel so strongly.

What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need.

Remember that through desire, goal-setting and unflagging you can have anything you want.

Persistence is the key to success.

The answers lie within you.

The solutions to all of life's problems lie within your grasp.

All you need do is ask, look, listen, and trust.

You will forget all this.

Unless you consistently stay focused on the goals you have set for yourself,

everything you have just read won't mean a thing.


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