My 1st Game Changer

My 1^st Game Changer

by Nate Bender

4/24/2014

In the course of one’s life special people and specific events evoke life-changing effects.  I refer to these people as game changers while recognizing their personal qualities and the surrounding events attached to them. This story seeks to acknowledge one such game changer and the setting connected to the changes. The setting for this story is Germany, where I served two years as an Army Corps of Engineers officer during the 1970 to 1972 time frame

Lieutenant Colonel Donald Morelli was my battalion commander during most of my two-year stint of military service in Germany.  Colonel Morelli was a West Point graduate, though lacking the physical bearing of the stereotype ‘ring knocker,’ a term applied by non-West Pointers.  Ordinary in virtually every way – diminutive, maybe 5’ 8” and slight of build, maybe 140 pounds in weight, he didn’t project anything special. 

What Colonel Morelli possessed was character that was immediately detectable upon meeting him.  Authenticity and integrity were wrapped around his low-key manner.  Pursuit of military mission and adherence to professional standards resonated in his dealings with superiors, peers and subordinates alike.  Pretense was not his bent.  As a leader he invested inordinate time and energy in creating unit effectiveness, often initiating uniquely bold and direct acts as an agent of change, whether it be in correcting enlisted personnel’s inappropriate dress and grooming or authorizing assertive interventions to corral the prevalent drug use and trafficking problem within the ranks of the battalion, his leadership was experienced throughout the organization.

Colonel Morelli’s influence on me was both striking and unexpected.  His mark involved seeing me as someone I didn’t know, someone who was more than a combat-avoidant soldier doing his time before returning to civilian life and the probation officer job I had left.  He saw me as a leader who could make a difference in the lives of soldiers within his battalion.  He thrust me into the position of a West Point captain, though I was a junior first lieutenant without career aspirations. This unplanned, and in some sense unwanted, promotion had a profound effect on shaping my evolving identity, in both personal and professional realms.  Being responsible for the lives and doings of 250 soldiers required an upgrade of my self-perception as a leader, one from whom others sought guidance.  The ultimate by-product of this upgrade was the revealing of my life-long calling - that of applying my natural inclinations to engage, inspire and help others. 

Two years as a commander created an inordinate number of challenges in my dealing with the demands of military order, in the face of much underachievement within the rank and file.  Leadership interventions were called forth in two important areas:  One, in creating a safe law-abiding environment in the living quarters, and eradicating the use and sale of drugs;  two, racial tensions within the company as well as in the local German community required bold and assertive actions in gaining trust and understanding among all concerned parties.  These were not the best of times for army personnel, as most were drafted for the Viet Nam war.  Patriotism and the merits of military service were in constant question in my dealing with these ever-present personnel challenges. I became increasingly aware that my personality, my character, held more importance than my status and stature in addressing both the positive and negative issues. 

On one extreme, I disciplined the wrong-doers via administrative consequences which often led to less than honorable discharges.  To a few others, judicial punishments via court marshals were meted out.  On the other extreme, I sought to engage the trouble makers on an informal and personal basis, encouraging them to do the right thing.  One initiative that stood out for me was organizing a basketball team to compete in a Post-wide league.  As it turned out, I was the only white-guy on a team dominated by people of color!  And we won the league championship!  This undertaking resulted in my forming a reputation for having a special rapport among the black soldiers throughout the battalion.

Along the way I even received feedback that I was exceptional as a leader and held potential for being a career soldier, including having  ‘general officer qualities!’ 

During the last months of my command duties, I became energized and supported by an even more compelling vision, that of becoming a psychologist.  This vision became a totally new and unexpected revelation, requiring new hurdles and challenges.  A big-time game-changing undertaking it was, as it required abandoning the encouragement I was receiving to remain in the Army for a career and venture into the uncertain requirements for becoming a psychologist.

The successful experiences I had as a military leader brought forth confidence in my leaving the security of the Army to become a graduate psychology student with less than a stellar academic history.  I was emboldened by the qualities of colonel Morelli, my game changer mentor. Speaking and acting with honestly and integrity has served me well, with a few upsets along the road!

An aside to this story involves colonel Morelli submitting a strongly worded supporting letter of recommendation in my application for an Army graduate school scholarship, which further advanced the game changing undertaking!  

The Oversoul (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Let us learn the revelation of all nature and thought;
the Highest dwells within us, that the sources
of nature are in our own minds.

As there is no screen or ceiling between our heads
and infinite heavens, so there is nor bar or wall in the
soul where we, the effect, cease, and God, the cause,
begins.

I am constrained every moment to acknowledge a higher
origin for events than the will I call mine.

There is deep power in which we exist and whose
beatitude is accessible to us.

Every moment the individual feels invaded by it
is memorable.

It comes to the lowly and the simple; it comes to whosoever
will put off what is foreign and proud; it comes as insight;
it comes as serenity and grandeur.

The soul's health consists in the fullness of its reception.

For ever and ever the influx of this better and more
universal self is new and unsearchable.

Within us is the soul of the whole; the wise silence, the
universal beauty, to which every part and particle is
equally related; the eternal One.

When it breaks through our intellect, it is genius;
when it breathes through our will, it is virtue;
when it flows through our affections, it is love.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself

Marc and Angel are the authors of 1000 Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently. Here’s their amazing list of 30 things to start doing for yourself. If you enjoy this, be sure to visit their website for more inspirational advice and tips for life.

#1. Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally. (scroll down for more)

#2. Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them. Problems will not disappear unless you take action. Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch. These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.

#3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed. Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become. Be honest with every aspect of your life, always. Because you are the one person you can forever count on. Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are. Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there. Read The Road Less Traveled.

#4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter. If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself. Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you. And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.

#5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are. Be yourself. Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else. Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms. Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.

#6. Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle. Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future. Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past. Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening. Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now.

#7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – Mistakes are okay; they’re the stepping stones of progress. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough and you’re not learning. Take risks, stumble, fall, and then get up and try again. Appreciate that you are pushing yourself, learning, growing and improving. Significant achievements are almost invariably realized at the end of a long road of failures. One of the ‘mistakes’ you fear might just be the link to your greatest achievement yet.

#8. Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. You must love who you are or no one else will.

#9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – The problem with many of us is that we think we’ll be happy when we reach a certain level in life – a level we see others operating at – your boss with her corner office, that friend of a friend who owns a mansion on the beach, etc. Unfortunately, it takes awhile before you get there, and when you get there you’ll likely have a new destination in mind. You’ll end up spending your whole life working toward something new without ever stopping to enjoy the things you have now. So take a quiet moment every morning when you first awake to appreciate where you are and what you already have.

#10. Start creating your own happiness. – If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you’re missing out. Smile because you can. Choose happiness. Be the change you want to see in the world. Be happy with who you are now, and let your positivity inspire your journey into tomorrow. Happiness is often found when and where you decide to seek it. If you look for happiness within the opportunities you have, you will eventually find it. But if you constantly look for something else, unfortunately, you’ll find that too. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

#11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Most of the time you just have to go for it! And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win.

#12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – You are ready! Think about it. You have everything you need right now to take the next small, realistic step forward. So embrace the opportunities that come your way, and accept the challenges – they’re gifts that will help you to grow.

#13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. – Enter new relationships with dependable, honest people who reflect the person you are and the person you want to be. Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who show you love and respect – people who reciprocate your kindness and commitment. And pay attention to what people do, because a person’s actions are much more important than their words or how others represent them.

#14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made. People and priorities change. As some relationships fade others will grow. Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.

#15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Be inspired by others, appreciate others, learn from others, but know that competing against them is a waste of time. You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be. Aim to break your own personal records.

#16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – Start noticing what you like about others and tell them. Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.

#17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope. Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times. And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right. Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.

#18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others. And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go. Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.

#19. Start helping those around you. – Care about people. Guide them if you know a better way. The more you help others, the more they will want to help you. Love and kindness begets love and kindness. And so on and so forth.

#20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – If it helps, discuss your ideas with those closest to you, but give yourself enough room to follow your own intuition. Be true to yourself. Say what you need to say. Do what you know in your heart is right.

#21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – Slow down. Breathe. Give yourself permission to pause, regroup and move forward with clarity and purpose. When you’re at your busiest, a brief recess can rejuvenate your mind and increase your productivity. These short breaks will help you regain your sanity and reflect on your recent actions so you can be sure they’re in line with your goals.

#22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Instead of waiting for the big things to happen – marriage, kids, big promotion, winning the lottery – find happiness in the small things that happen every day. Little things like having a quiet cup of coffee in the early morning, or the delicious taste and smell of a homemade meal, or the pleasure of sharing something you enjoy with someone else, or holding hands with your partner. Noticing these small pleasures on a daily basis makes a big difference in the quality of your life.

#23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. – Remember, ‘perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good.’ One of the biggest challenges for people who want to improve themselves and improve the world is learning to accept things as they are. Sometimes it’s better to accept and appreciate the world as it is, and people as they are, rather than to trying to make everything and everyone conform to an impossible ideal. No, you shouldn’t accept a life of mediocrity, but learn to love and value things when they are less than perfect.

#24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen. Get out there and DO something! The harder you work the luckier you will become. While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it. By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

#25. Start being more open about how you feel. – If you’re hurting, give yourself the necessary space and time to hurt, but be open about it. Talk to those closest to you. Tell them the truth about how you feel. Let them listen. The simple act of getting things off your chest and into the open is your first step toward feeling good again.

#26. Start taking full accountability for your own life. – Own your choices and mistakes, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them. Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will. And when they do, you’ll become a slave to their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own. You are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life. And no, it won’t always be easy. Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them. But you must take accountability for your situation and overcome these obstacles. Choosing not to is choosing a lifetime of mere existence.

#27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. – Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty. Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.

#28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – You can’t change everything, but you can always change something. Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation. Invest your energy in the things you can control, and act on them now.

#29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – The mind must believe it CAN do something before it is capable of actually doing it. The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful. Listen to your self-talk and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Regardless of how a situation seems, focus on what you DO WANT to happen, and then take the next positive step forward. No, you can’t control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects – whether or not you’re happy and successful in the long run depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. Read The How of Happiness.

#30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn’t spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

Credit: marcandangel.com and LifeBuzz

This is such a wonderful list. If we take little steps every day and practice these things, we can make great improvements in our lives. Share this post with your friends and loved ones.

Letter to the Editor

Kemper Plant

Having just read of the $177 million cost overrun in constructing the coal-fired Kemper electrical generating plant, a cost that is attached to a near $6 billion investment, I sit in bewilderment.  $6 billion could have gone a long way in reducing the cost of energy production while positively impacting the climate, if progressive-minded leaders in the political and utility segments exercised leadership foresight.  When countries such as Germany are closing down many of their generating plants as a followup to leadership initiatives creating heavy investments in renewable energy projects, why oh why is Mississippi so regressive in its support of such undertakings?  I realize anything smacking of progressive-minded undertakings is likely to be eschewed by a deeply conservative socio-political State citizenry.  It feels lonely to be one a handful of Pine Belt home owners with solar panels!  Every day I rest in joy that my carbon footprint is made less!  Who would like to join me and my cohorts in expanding the shrinkage?

Nate Bender, Petal, MS - 4/3/14