Transforming Lives

Transforming Lives

by Nate Bender

4/1/2016

I have been captivated by human behavior all my life.  I even pursued the academic study of psychology.  People have always mattered more than things.  I have long sought new challenges and opportunities to learn and improve my personal and professional undertakings.  As I found transformative results for myself, I also sought to promote the same results in others.  My employment as a probation officer, Army officer, organization development consultant, and psychotherapist offered varied opportunities to assist in improving human performance.  The residual effects of these dealings hastened my own growth and development.  My life has been blessed by often transformative results held in these endeavors.

This life story seeks to capture some examples of my work in creating change for the better in the lives of others.  When I witnessed the learning and growth of others, I also uncovered parallel changes in my personal and professional life.  Two forums which exemplify these results center around leading and co-leading two support groups hosted by Fairmount Presbyterian Church in Cleveland Heights, Ohio:  Starting Anew and Recreating Marriage With The Same Old Spouse were the group forum titles.

I met my wife Sandra in 1985, when she was launching a support group for divorced and widowed singles in the greater Cleveland, Ohio area.  She invited me to join the group in its first series.  The purpose of the group involved promoting community along with support for any healing of old emotional wounds, while imparting life skills to well, start anew.  At the conclusion of the first series, Sandra asked me to collaborate in designing and co-leading subsequent series, an undertaking that catapulted my own starting anew into a marriage with Sandra.

Once we married, Sandra started another support group (the woman is relentless in improving the human condition!), that of ‘recreating marriage with the same old spouse.’  Eventually, I assumed sole leadership of the starting anew group, lasting ten years, while I also co-led the marriage group with Sandra.

Both groups had similar formats of weekly two-hour meetings devoted to a specific topic or issue around living more effective lives.  Examples of topics we covered included understanding personality differences and their effect on relationships, developing problem solving skills, managing conflict with grace and applying active listening skills in the quest for intimacy.  In addition, we conducted weekend-long retreats once or twice during each calendar year.

Two retreats with the starting anew group stand out for me.  The first one involved sharing joys and sorrows, with pre-retreat instructions to bring memorabilia related to each area.  I had no hint of what would result in such a theme-driven weekend.  With little or no setting of the retreats’ stage, one after another of the participants revealed their enduring joys and imbedded sorrows, none of which had ever been previously shared in the group.  Many tears were shed and much spontaneous comforting was provided throughout the sharing.  There is something special about sharing the most vulnerable aspects of ones’ life, be they happy or sad, which also creates group intimacy and unbridled support.  It was a challenge for me to remain the detached leader.

Another retreat for the starting anew group involved an assignment to pair off for one hour, and go for a walk in the nearby wooded area.  Each person had an opportunity to speak for thirty minutes without interruption.  To have the rare opportunity to speak and have a listener non-judgmentally reflect back what they heard became a special experience for most of the participants.  My witnessing their return to the starting point, some arm-in-arm, exuding tender, loving connections, served as validation of the value of the exercise, while confirming the merits of creating interpersonal intimacy.  ‘Love changes everything, how we live and how we die.’  The retreat was a success, if only based on that one event.

Co-leading the marriage group became a laboratory for Sandra and me to sharpen and strengthen our own emerging marriage, as we had to prepare the material for each session and retreat and then model or demonstrate applications of the skills in front of the group.   In many ways our modeling showed that two people who had failed in previous marriages could muster new learning and the courage to give it another try, thus buoying the spirits and hopes of the participants.  Being witness to marital unions becoming renewed and transformed became a priceless reward for the offerings we created.  Plus, our own marriage gained traction for a long-term and enriching ride.

To this day, I live in gratitude for the opportunities I’ve had to be witness to stirrings which often created renewal and hope for others to live more vibrantly. The memories remain vivid and keep contributing to my life in the process.  The key learning derived from effecting personal growth in others was for me to be authentic and possess the willingness to take risks in being vulnerable.